Enjoy it

 I wish the last time I rode the Harley I would have known it was the last time. I would have asked to go a little further and a little faster. I wish the last time we went out for dinner and drinks, I would have ordered dessert and an extra drink. Maybe we can go out once more. Maybe we can have that last dance. Some one once said you're responsible for your own happiness but it's a lot easier if your life is filled with puppies and rainbows and not cancer. That C word changes things. You focus day to day and you try to create your own happiness and take those little victories whenever you can. You make friends with some nurses that cross your path that are incredible people. You listen to stories and try to learn from other people.  You smile when you can and put on the best front you can. Always.  Every day. You make a difference and you make yourself enjoy it because tomorrow isn't promised.

Take the picture

 Someday you'll regret not taking a picture.  Someone will be gone and the opportunity will be lost. You can't rewind time. Take the picture.  It doesn't matter if your makeup is on. It doesn't matter if your clothes are wrinkled.  All people will remember is your smile, maybe what was said and how the picture came to be. I forced Chris to stand by a waterfall and it was the last good picture ever taken of him. It almost didn't happen because he had to get his shoes wet. I'm so glad it did. I know I irritate people taking pictures.  I make no apologies.  Smile cause I'm gonna get you.

Three Little Words

 This morning I called my son for some medical advice. His son was listening in the background and said "Hi Ganni". I told them both good bye and said I loved them. My grandson said it back. He loves me. I think I've been on a natural high all day.  Three little words make such a big difference in this crazy world and for the record, Parker I love you more.

How did we get here?

 We're looking at doing chemo #6 on Tuesday. More than half way to the scans. His ca numbers have dropped from 9000 to around 500. Still way to high but chemo is doing something.  His hair is thinning but it's still there. Mine is thinning too. The dogs seldom leave his side and are extremely protective.  I try to make it from day to day. I have a little notebook that I write down things I need to do each day beyond the ordinary get dressed, brush hair and teeth.  I seldom get everything done, but scratching something off the list gives me an insane amount of pleasure. This weekend will mark the anniversary of Chris' death and I hope we can celebrate Chris.  I don't want to see him hurt anymore.  He's had more than enough. Chris certainly gave us lots to laugh about. He called Buckeyees the gas station on Crack. I know he misses him. We all do. It will be a good reminder to celebrate what you have left because no one is promised tomorrow.

32 and you (Lauren)

 I can't believe you're turning 32. Words can't tell you how much I love you or how proud I am of you. Sure I'm proud of your accomplishments , but I'm really proud of you. Not the things but what's in your heart. I wish more people in this world loved the way you do. Completely.  Passionately.  From the inside out with everything.  It doesn't seem to matter how many times you get knocked down or dealt a losing hand. You always come back stronger and better not bitter. I almost wish you knew how to hate, but you don't.  It's funny to see you try but it's just not in your genetic makeup.  You're the kind of person that I've always wanted to be. You give so much of yourself to others. As a recipient, I want to thank you for the love and strength you've given me. I hope your Birthday is truly exceptional like you. I'll always love you more.

I can't/don't want to/ will

 Sometimes I feel like I just can't.  I can't take care of everything the way it needs to be taken care of. I never learned to use a tractor.  We've always joked about my inability to start a fire. Draco scares the crap out of me (bearded dragons aren't cuddly or cute). I can lift a feed sack, but don't ask me to walk with it. I never thought I could deal with vomit on an almost daily basis, but I can. I don't want to but I can. I can even go a little further and disinfect so there's no lingering germs. I hate the smell of banana pudding but if that's what he wants, I'll make it. I may have to go outside while he eats it, but you do what you have to do. This morning, there was a problem with his ostomy bag. I  cleaned him up in record time. He had to ask me to put his socks on and I felt like such a bitch. I know it hurts for him to bend over. I hate that he had to ask. I should have remembered. I made it  to work on time and just celebrating that fact made me angry. Work can wait. Everything can wait. Being there when someone needs you that's worth celebrating.

Chemo #3

 Chemo #3 was delayed due to white blood cell count being off. That might have been a good thing. It gave him extra time to recover and gain some strength.  Gained a whole two pounds too. Some days, I had my Dwight back. The one that laughed and joked with me. He could tell that I had washed my car because my Crack was clean. Guess you had to be there. It was so good to hear that old belly laugh. It's good too to see him making plans for the future.  His future. Things he wants to do and see happen. They say we're in a false spring now. I hope not. He needs to feel the sun and experience the sunshine. 

Love

 There was a time when I thought I knew what love was, but as you get older you learn a little bit more and become just a little bit wiser. I still believe love is knowing just how your partner likes their coffee and the best time to give that cup. I know it's giving a much needed hug without any words being said. It's making some else's dreams come true and giving them a reason to smile. But it's so much more....

It's staring death in the face and being strong for those that need you. It's fighting for a little more time to let them accept your leaving. It's not giving up when you're in so much pain. It's putting on a brave face when you're afraid and don't have the answers.  

Chemo week 2

 I wish I could say this round has been easier, but it's not. We're learning to adjust. Dwight knows just a little bit ahead of time that he will be sick. I'm more concentrated on keeping up with antinausea meds. He's been able to keep a little more down and I pray that he hasn't lost more weight. I have to go and buy him smaller sweat pants today. I think I'm getting a little more sleep but I'm not sure. I miss my husband that was so strong and capable of anything (other than spelling) but I  think I'm getting stronger. Not by choice. I wish I knew what the future holds for us and rejoice in the fact that there is one. I know I'll always want one more day.  I admire those that have taken this journey before me...Karon, Jay, and Rhonda they are truly an inspiration and their kindness has meant so much. 

Chemo week1

 Well we're officially over week one of chemo. I mean really over it. The first four days were almost good. Dwight slept almost around the clock, but he could eat small quantities and keep the food down. Good times. About day five, the nausea started and it hasn't stopped.  I've never seen someone that can't even keep water down. His poor throat is so sore, he speaks in a whisper. I've taken a firmer stance on the anti nausea meds and I'm trying to keep him medicated around the clock, but he's a stubborn man. I know I should push nutritious food, but I'm pushing calories.  Quantity over quality.  He's admitted that he's too weak to drive and I'm proud of him for acknowledging that before having an accident.  It takes strength to acknowledge your weakness.  I marvel at how strong he is and wish I could be as strong as him. Not only do I get to wash his hair(yes it's still there) but now I get to shave him. This brings us closer and he laughs at how scared I am of cutting him. I think he jumps to see me jump more. So not funny. Then he tells me "Don't worry, you won't kill me". Again not funny, but I love him anyway. 

For better. For worse

 I remember saying the words for better, for worse and in sickness and in health.  I don't ever remember being so afraid and so utterly unprepared.  I wake up in the morning and immediately look for my husband.  Sometimes he's right beside me. Sometimes he's in his recliner or on the couch. Other times he's in one of the spare beds but I have found him on the front porch-you just never know. After I find him. I check his breathing and then his temperature.  If my hand on his forehead wakes him up, I ask if he needs anything.  Then I take care of his urinal and any signs of vomiting.  This would be the " in sickness " part and for a person that doesn't have the nursing gene so prevalent in our family, I'm doing pretty well.  I've flushed a drain. Cleaned a port. Changed a bag. Lots of cleaning.  Lots of sanitizing.  Then I start my coffee and feed the animals.  Then I can fix my husband breakfast if his stomach is cooperative.  Next I head to work and try to schedule my check up calls around naps. I can handle this. I know I can. I can't watch him in pain. I can't watch the light go out of his eyes. I can't make this terrible disease go away, but I can live to see him smile. The smiles are so few, but they happen. I can show him how much I  love him. I can make him proud of me til death do us part.