Sunday, May 13, 2018

Remembering Mother's Day

First of all, Happy Mother's Day. I've been remembering Mother's Day that have long past. One year my son Paul gave me this huge fold out card. It's pretty corny, but he added his own sweet words and I take out this card and read it every year. I've been known to take it out and read it when I miss him too. Beth and Jody gave me a music box that plays "Wind beneath my wings" and when I got that box I desperately needed to hear those words. Long before that,  Lauren gave me a ring box that plays "Amazing Grace. " She was little more than a toddler and had no idea how much significance that song would play in my life. Then,  there's some of their art work from grade school. I love to see their childish signatures-some of their writing really didn't improve with time. Then, I get even deeper lost in thought and I go back to when I was a girl. We'd always go to church on Mother's Day. We went to a church that gave out roses every year on that day. It didn't matter if you were a "Mom" or not-if you were female you got a rose. Red if your mom was alive and white if she had passed on. Even as a young girl, I knew those white roses were special and gorgeous. Some time during the service, the pastor would have all the Moms stand and we would applaud. I remember shoving one of my siblings out of the way, so I could squeeze Mom's hand and looking at my red rose. It was beautiful and I loved it and I loved having her hand to squeeze. Now I'm much older. I get to wear one of those gorgeous white roses, but if truth be told, I'd much rather wear the red.
Missing her always, but especially today.

Monday, May 7, 2018

four years ago

I say the words four years ago to remind myself that it really has been four years since my mom went away. It seems like much, much longer since I've heard her voice, her laughter. Felt her arms around me.
I know the word I should use is died. She died four years ago.
But she's not really dead.
I feel her in the kitchen with me when I make jam. She's right behind me reminding me to double check the lids. I know Beth has her in the kitchen with her when she's cooking for a party. I see her love for cards in Robyn and her love for roses in Caitlyn. Paul and Connor have her love for the beach. When I hear Lauren talk about one of her elderly patients, I'm reminded of all the visits that Mom made to the nursing home.
I see Lee with her patience being tested to the limit with her two young boys and I bet Mom has hers tested as well. We were all surprised to live beyond our teens.
I think she lives on in each of us and I know we carry her in hearts, but today just really sucks.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Blue Bonnets 2018

This weekend we ventured to Texas and saw a couple of bluebonnets before we both got sick.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Come on Spring you can do it

Hard to believe it's the middle of April and we have freeze warnings for tonight.
There are signs of Spring.

Friday, April 13, 2018

Liquid Pinterest Project aka Cinnamon Roll

This weekend's pinterest project is pretty easy. Mix cream soda and Fireball and you have a liquid Cinnamon Roll. Will update you on the final product.

Verdict....really good.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Speech for class..tough assignment

My employer has sent me to Dale Carnegie class and tonight I will complete class eleven. It's more than a class on speeches. You learn different techniques for dealing with stress, relations, and how to work with others and of course how to speak publicly.
Our assignment tonight is to make a speech that involves emotion-any emotion-happiness, sadness, anger, joy. It doesn't matter as long as the speech is between 2 and 3 minutes long and has a point(advice) and benefit (what happens when you take advice).
It's our next to last class and our teacher wants us out of our comfort zone. She wanted us to pick a difficult topic.
If I spoke about something that makes me happy or full of pride, I know I'd blow the time limit. Sometimes, it's just hard for me to shut up especially when I'm bragging on my family. So I chose something that I don't like to talk about. I've practice over and over and not once have I exceeded the time limit; however, I have lost my shit.
So, here's hoping I can keep my crap together for a whole one hundred and eight seconds. Sounds doable, but I've never been accused of being overly stable.

Wednesday May 7, 2014
It was a beautiful sunny morning and I was driving home after working 11 pm until 7 am. I was utterly exhausted and in an attempt to keep myself I awake, I reached for my cell phone and called my mom. She answered and we talked about our family, her chickens, my strawberries, and the upcoming Mother's Day weekend which was just 4 short days away. Before I knew it, I had reached the Buffalo River where I typically lose cell phone coverage. I told her: Mom I'm fixin' to lose cell phone service. I love you and I'll see you this week end.". She told me she loved me too and the phone went dead. A couple of minutes later, I'm pulling in the drive way. As I stumble out of the car, I grabbed the mail on the way in. In the mail was a Mother's Day card from my mom. It made me smile. First of all, it's a Mother's Day card from my mom-and secondly, we just had a 30 minute conversation and she never mentioned it. It was very sweet. I put it on my nightstand and I remember thinking I'll call her and thank her as soon as I wake up. I fell instantly asleep. A couple of hours later, my husband was shaking me awake and muttering something about bad news. I sat up and asked what happened.
My stepdad had come home from work and found mom dead. She was gone. I've beat myself up a million times for not calling to tell her thanks for the card. Maybe she would have told me she felt sick or in pain. Maybe we could have gotten medical help. I'll never know. However, I do know the last words she heard me say were I love you. I'll see you this weekend.
My advice to you is to say the words I love you to those important to you every chance you get. You'll never know when it's your last chance to say them  and you'll feel so much better knowing that you did.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

No Pinnacle Mountain

I didn't go to Pinnacle Mountain this Easter. Probably the first time I didn't go in a long while. My sister joked we should only go if the weather was really crappy. It was. Cold,foggy, and rainy most of the day. The kind of day that Mom would have insisted that we go to out to Pinnacle Mountain for an Easter picnic. We'd gripe and grumble and she'd tell us we were going anyway and we would have a good time or else. 
Just thinking about it made me smile, so many times we did that and I'd love to do it again just to gripe instead of feeling this dull ache that comes when I miss her so much. I have to remind myself that it's been almost four years and it shouldn't hurt so much. But, it does and I talk myself into getting some kind of help and life happens-and I don't get the help I think I need. Then, another day will sneak up on me and boom-that ache will be back in full force all over again. I know it's just a price you pay for loving someone. 
I didn't go to Pinnacle, but I think I was where I was supposed to be-where I was needed. I cooked and cooked. Strawberry cake, peanut butter treats, rice krispy treats, ham, chicken, gravy, yeast rolls, potato salad, mashed potatoes, yeast rolls, corn, green beans, brocolli salad, deviled eggs and gravy. Four of the five made it over during the day-and it was fun to watch them visit. It was great to laugh and make more memories. Dwight fed the dogs way to much ham. Beth likes brocolli salad. Jody cannot ever get enough peanut butter treats. Paul loves ham and deviled eggs.  Heath and Lauren love Harley. Lauren has a problem understanding no cascarone eggs in the house.