Thursday, March 7, 2024

32 and you (Lauren)

 I can't believe you're turning 32. Words can't tell you how much I love you or how proud I am of you. Sure I'm proud of your accomplishments , but I'm really proud of you. Not the things but what's in your heart. I wish more people in this world loved the way you do. Completely.  Passionately.  From the inside out with everything.  It doesn't seem to matter how many times you get knocked down or dealt a losing hand. You always come back stronger and better not bitter. I almost wish you knew how to hate, but you don't.  It's funny to see you try but it's just not in your genetic makeup.  You're the kind of person that I've always wanted to be. You give so much of yourself to others. As a recipient, I want to thank you for the love and strength you've given me. I hope your Birthday is truly exceptional like you. I'll always love you more.



Monday, February 26, 2024

I can't/don't want to/ will

 Sometimes I feel like I just can't.  I can't take care of everything the way it needs to be taken care of. I never learned to use a tractor.  We've always joked about my inability to start a fire. Draco scares the crap out of me (bearded dragons aren't cuddly or cute). I can lift a feed sack, but don't ask me to walk with it. I never thought I could deal with vomit on an almost daily basis, but I can. I don't want to but I can. I can even go a little further and disinfect so there's no lingering germs. I hate the smell of banana pudding but if that's what he wants, I'll make it. I may have to go outside while he eats it, but you do what you have to do. This morning, there was a problem with his ostomy bag. I  cleaned him up in record time. He had to ask me to put his socks on and I felt like such a bitch. I know it hurts for him to bend over. I hate that he had to ask. I should have remembered. I made it work on time and just celebrating that fact made me angry. Work can wait. Everything can wait. Being there when someone needs you that's worth celebrating.

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Chemo #3

 Chemo #3 was delayed due to white blood cell count being off. That might have been a good thing. It gave him extra time to recover and gain some strength.  Gained a whole two pounds too. Some days, I had my Dwight back. The one that laughed and joked with me. He could tell that I had washed my car because my Crack was clean. Guess you had to be there. It was so good to hear that old belly laugh. It's good too to see him making plans for the future.  His future. Things he wants to do and see happen. They say we're in a false spring now. I hope not. He needs to feel the sun and experience the sunshine. 

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Love

 There was a time when I thought I knew what love was, but as you get older you learn a little bit more and become just a little bit wiser. I still believe love is knowing just how your partner likes their coffee and the best time to give that cup. I know it's giving a much needed hug without any words being said. It's making some else's dreams come true and giving them a reason to smile. But it's so much more....

It's staring death in the face and being strong for those that need you. It's fighting for a little more time to let them accept your leaving. It's not giving up when you're in so much pain. It's putting on a brave face when you're afraid and don't have the answers.  

Thursday, February 8, 2024

Chemo week 2

 I wish I could say this round has been easier, but it's not. We're learning to adjust. Dwight knows just a little bit ahead of time that he will be sick. I'm more concentrated on keeping up with antinausea meds. He's been able to keep a little more down and I pray that he hasn't lost more weight. I have to go and buy him smaller sweat pants today. I think I'm getting a little more sleep but I'm not sure. I miss my husband that was so strong and capable of anything (other than spelling) but I  think I'm getting stronger. Not by choice. I wish I knew what the future holds for us and rejoice in the fact that there is one. I know I'll always want one more day.  I admire those that have taken this journey before me...Karon, Jay, and Rhonda they are truly an inspiration and their kindness has meant so much. 

Wednesday, January 24, 2024

Chemo week1

 Well we're officially over week one of chemo. I mean really over it. The first four days were almost good. Dwight slept almost around the clock, but he could eat small quantities and keep the food down. Good times. About day five, the nausea started and it hasn't stopped.  I've never seen someone that can't even keep water down. His poor throat is so sore, he speaks in a whisper. I've taken a firmer stance on the anti nausea meds and I'm trying to keep him medicated around the clock, but he's a stubborn man. I know I should push nutritious food, but I'm pushing calories.  Quantity over quality.  He's admitted that he's too weak to drive and I'm proud of him for acknowledging that before having an accident.  It takes strength to acknowledge your weakness.  I marvel at how strong he is and wish I could be as strong as him. Not only do I get to wash his hair(yes it's still there) but now I get to shave him. This brings us closer and he laughs at how scared I am of cutting him. I think he jumps to see me jump more. So not funny. Then he tells me "Don't worry, you won't kill me". Again not funny, but I love him anyway. 

Monday, January 8, 2024

For better. For worse

 I remember saying the words for better, for worse and in sickness and in health.  I don't ever remember being so afraid and so utterly unprepared.  I wake up in the morning and immediately look for my husband.  Sometimes he's right beside me. Sometimes he's in his recliner or on the couch. Other times he's in one of the spare beds but I have found him on the front porch-you just never know. After I find him. I check his breathing and then his temperature.  If my hand on his forehead wakes him up, I ask if he needs anything.  Then I take care of his urinal and any signs of vomiting.  This would be the " in sickness " part and for a person that doesn't have the nursing gene so prevalent in our family, I'm doing pretty well.  I've flushed a drain. Cleaned a port. Changed a bag. Lots of cleaning.  Lots of sanitizing.  Then I start my coffee and feed the animals.  Then I can fix my husband breakfast if his stomach is cooperative.  Next I head to work and try to schedule my check up calls around naps. I can handle this. I know I can. I can't watch him in pain. I can't watch the light go out of his eyes. I can't make this terrible disease go away, but I can live to see him smile. The smiles are so few, but they happen. I can show him how much I  love him. I can make him proud of me til death do us part.