Choking on the words

 I answer the phone at least a hundred times a day. It's my job and the nature of the beast. There are a lot of well meaning people that end our conversations with the words Merry Christmas. I  say those words back to them.  I choke them out trying not to be rude, but I've never felt less Christmassy in all of my life. I couldn't bring myself to do cards. I wanted to but just couldn't make myself do it.  I'm choking on cheer and good will. I  know I will get through this and I pray it won't be like this every year. Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

Selfish

 

I've been so wrapped up in my grief I've forgotten to take Dwight's dad and his feelings into consideration.  I was dreading the Day Family  Christmas Party because it was the first time in 17 years that I have ever been without Dwight. Ralph had been with him 61 years. He's lost all of his siblings,  both parents, his wife, son and a grandson.  I don't know how he has the strength he has, but I do know he loves children and they made it a lot easier on him this year. 

The first Christmas

 Everyone told me the first Christmas after losing someone would be hard. I've been trying to brace myself,  but somehow I forgot to remind myself that Christmas isn't just one day. It's a whole season.  Lasting from the last bite of turkey until the New Year. I made it through the Polar Express and I don't think anyone noticed my misty eyes but I cried myself to sleep. Dwight would have loved seeing the look on David's face when he saw the train. He would have laughed at JD reaching for Santa's beard. He woul have loved chugging cocoa, eating cookies and laughing with Beth, Jody, and Rhonda. I find it ironic that there was one unused ticket. Parker sat on Santa's lap with no problem and wants to go see his friend Santa every day. I really think Dwight would have taken him everyday as his favorite Santa is at Bass Pro. We went and saw the holiday lights in Sherwood where Paul told Parker to look at the partridge in the tree. Look at the bird in the tree. Parker said Dada that's a turkey. So now there's a turkey associated with Christmas too. Maybe Dwight would have stopped me from buying so many dresses for Pruitt, but I seriously doubt it. I took his dad to a Christmas parade and he really enjoyed it. I'm  doing this. I'm getting through it but I wish he was here because I loved seeing him smile and laugh.This was a hard time for Dwight. He lost his mom early in life and like my mom-she truly loved Christmas. His grandpa died Christmas eve too so it took a long time for Christmas to be Merry and jolly for Dwight but he got there. Slowly he got there. I have every intention of getting there too, but he will always be with me in my heart.Always.

Swans and living

 I spent Thanksgiving evening with two old friends.  They were riding buddies for Dwight and I. They love and miss him so it was easy to talk to them about him. They both told me that Dwight wouldn't want me to stop living. I knew that, but it was nice to hear out loud. Then, I spent the next day doing just that. Living. I went to see the Swans in Heber Springs.  Kelly and I went Black Friday shopping.  I went a little crazy at the children's store. We ate Chinese. I tried steamed bread(yummy), kimchi(not so yummy), and a spicy sushi.  I left their house to make it home before dark. Got home and cuddled with the dogs under a new Christmas blanket and binged watch Bridgerton. 

Making memories

 Boy, this weekend was a good one. Made lots of good memories and will post more on them later, but one really has me reeling. After everyone had left, Beth and I were visiting and David is playing with farm animals.  There's a turkey with those animals. Beth would tell him the turkey says gobble gobble and David would reply with another turkey sound. I asked her if she made that sound and she said no. I asked David to tell me what a turkey says and he made the sound again. It sounds just like a turkey call. The wooden one that uses chaulk. He was making the sound that his Poppy taught him and it was spot on. I can't quite make that sound with my mouth, but David sat in Poppy's lap and watched him make the sound. I looked at Beth and told her that he was too young to remember it, but there he was imitating Poppy's turkey call perfectly.  I can't make that sound and Beth was still trying to get him to say gobble, gobble.  I hope he does remember,  but more importantly I hope he remembers the love.

Morning with David

 After kicking me all night, David woke up around six am, grabbed my hand, and told me we were going downstairs.  Unfortunately I was unable to find his tractor show and that put him in a testy mood. Then he wanted donuts. I told him no and that mommy and daddy did not want him to have donuts first thing in the morning.  He looked in the box of donuts, grabbed one, and calmly told me that it was a bagel with sprinkles.  Bagels for breakfast. Alright then.

What I Can't Do

 This past weekend,  I went to a wedding. Makeup and panty hose in a dress. Then some one wanted to talk about Dwight and I just couldn't.  I tried to end the conversation as quickly and politely as I could. I saved my makeup but wasn't as polite as I would have liked. I had thought about visiting Mom's grave as I was less than two miles from there, but I just couldn't do that either. I made it by Dwight's grave and did fresh flowers and we had a long talk. I think I needed it. I  know no one will believe me but there were turkey tracks on top of his marker. I know turkey tracks when I see them and they were definitely there. I know I can't speed through this think called grief. I know it will take some time. Possibly  a long time. I can't hurry it or pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes I get a little crazy and ask for a sign that it's all gonna be all right. That's what those turkey tracks were. Then I felt a warm feeling almost like a hug. I'm sure it was the sun...but I'm not really sure.

Valley of Fire

 Once upon a time Dwight and I  visited the Valley of Fire. I believe it was in September and fall had started in Arkansas.  That visit temperatures were over 100 degrees before 8am. Hiking was difficult and we kept our visit short but I vowed to visit again and see the wave. I did.

Vegas

 I don't think there's a city in the world like Las Vegas. It's big, diverse, and full of lights and surprises.  To get there, I  took a plane, tram, bus, and taxi. While there, I can't tell you how many Ubers were taken. I can't tell you how many tears were cried or how badly I needed this trip. I needed to get away. I needed to feel the love of my sisters and my favorite aunt. They gave me permission to cry, rant, and cut loose. I was reminded that this grief thing is all to new and real and it's ok to feel the way I do.  We caught up on family gossip. Made plans for the future and mourned the passing of my mom's sister Robyn. We partied on Freemont street. Ventured to the Valley of fire. Watched a Michael Jackson show. Caught another show at the sphere. Watched the fountains at the Bellagio and visited their Botanical gardens. Walked the strip and took a spin on the ferris wheel. We played t shirt roulette and dressed up for Halloween.  Every night we gathered around a table and shared stories, concerns, and maybe a drink or two. Lots of hugs given and more memories made. All to honor Mom's 10th heavenly birthday.  I know she watched over us. Always our angel.

A bumper sticker

 I saw a bumper sticker that said if you're not living,  you're dying.  Strangely true. I'm not sure if this counts as really living, but if you're learning you're actively participating in life. This week I learned how to put a hay spike on the tractor. Then I loaded hay and took some to the horses. The fence, the trees, and horses are still standing.  Then I synced my cell phone to Dwight's truck even made a few calls to ensure it worked. Then I changed the time on his console to the correct time. Woo hoo. I may actually get somewhere on time. Let's hope I can remember how to do that when daylight savings ends this Sunday.

The firsts

 I knew it would come. The first Birthday without him. The first Anniversary.  The first birth of a grandchild. The Anniversary of the day we found out that he had stage four cancer.

Man, I  miss him so much. I hope I can be the woman he wanted me to be.

The Rabbit Hole

 I lost my phone (eventually found it) and I got Dwight's phone out and charged it up. I went through his pictures.  Lots of great photos.  Then, I started watching his videos. I watched and watched for hours. It felt so good to hear his voice. Really good. I even enjoyed his videos on fishing. The ones with Parker were too funny. There's one taken of David at four am. You can hear the laughter in his voice.  I  need to find a way to save them. 

One step foward two back

 Just when I think I have a handle on things, shit happens.  I was getting ready for the birth of my grand daughter and I got sick. Sick enough to go to the hospital and to fall behind on her quilt. Made it down to see her, but missed her actual birth and I still haven't finished the quilt. Then I made it home and my health insurance called and wanted to speak with my husband.  I explained he was unavailable.  She then told me that she could not talk to me and needed to speak directly with him. I lost it and asked her are you fucking kidding me? She said no did she have the correct phone number. I told her yes but she needed to update her damn records because Dwight passed in June and wouldn't be taking any calls. I probably would have handled this better if I hadn't already told them that. I give it two weeks before she calls again.  

Pruitt Jayne

 

Every one thinks Pruitt Jayne has arrived early, but I've been waiting to meet her for over 20 years. When she opens her eyes and looks into mine she seems to say that she knows me. She knows I love her. I love all of my grandchildren with a love that defies all logic. Sure I loved my kids. I still do, but grandchildren are on another level and this lovely is already a huge part of my heart. Welcome liitle one. Tho she be tiny she is fierce.

I didn't ask

 I didn't ask what anyone wanted on the tombstone.  I just didn't.  Dwight and I  agreed that we wanted our children's names listed and that we didn't want grandkids' names listed because we could potentially leave someone off and neither of us was ok with that idea. He liked the black marble but couldn't justify the cost. I merely did not give a shit about the cost. He wanted it. I loved it. I do not want to hear if you disapprove.  I tried and tried to think of some religious verse that could embody our love and failed miserably, so I used a saying that we often said to each other. I wish I could have met you sooner so I could have loved you longer . It still fits. The picture is just us hanging out on Sam's Throne. To be completely honest, my mom took that picture and we had lots of good times there. I couldn't chose a vacation picture.  There was just too many great ones to chose from. The same with Christmas and holiday pictures.  Too many damn good memories.  So I chose what my heart wanted and if you knew Dwight you know anything I wanted...he wanted for me. 

She called me brave

 Talking with one of the strongest, most fierce momma bears on the planet and she called me brave. This woman is tough as nails and she thinks I'm strong. I'm not. I think about all my dreams that have been dashed and I cry. I cry for what could have been and for all my plans that won't ever come to be. I'm afraid of not finding myself again. Afraid of not ever being really happy. I don't know what my purpose is. I'm afraid of waking up every day and feeling like someone kicked me in the gut for the rest of my life, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing my husband. We talked about his dying and how I would do anything to stop it, but we didn't discuss my living. I know he wanted me to take care of his boys...meaning our grandsons, but they have parents for that. I know I had a life before Dwight came along, but he really taught me how to let go and live, laugh, and love. Life became living. I know I'm living. I get up. Feed the critters. Do the chores. Go to work. It's a life, but it's not really living.  I'll find it one way or die trying and maybe she's a little bit right because I ain't scared of trying. 

63

 Today the love of my life would have been sixty three. I realize that some people might say that's really old, but it's not. He didn't live long enough. He didn't live long enough to live out all his dreams. He wanted to teach his boys to hunt and fish. He wanted to hike Crater Lake. He talked about going to Paris and Scotland and he was just crazy enough to do it. I miss him so much. I miss his laughter and corny jokes. I miss the way he would try to be stern with me and totally cave when I really wanted something. I miss the way he would surprise me with the most unusual things... a horse, a trip, a train ride, a flower...I just never knew what to expect, but I got him too. I surprised him with a gun he wanted. Biscuits and gravy at three am. Fishing trips.. sometimes all night long. I miss the way we just fell into place. He was the peanut butter to my jelly. So much laughter so many damn good memories. I know this is all part of grief. I've heard with deep love comes great grief but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the last words I heard him say...."Take care of Kate". That's what I'm going to do. I owe it to him and his memory. 

Missing

 I spent the last two weekends with grandsons. The first with Parker and last weekend with David and JD. They make me laugh and I know they would have made Dwight laugh too. They way Parker says Buffalo River. The way David loves his eggs and all things tractor related. Little JD just loves to be held and rocked. It's strange how you can hold him to the sun and catch blond in his hair. There's no genetic reason for this. Beth's hair is a deep brown, auburn and Jody's is dark brown. I like to think Dwight touched him in some way. I miss him. I miss watching him with his boys. 

JD

 JD is officially three days old and I  should have written before now, but words fail me. They can't convey how important it was for me to hold him and welcome into this world.

National Dog Day

 So today is National Dog Day. If your dog is just a dog, I feel sorry for you because you are missing out. Really missing out. My dogs greet me at the door tails wagging, running in circles, and excited little barks. We share morning sunrises together. Sometimes they steal my coffee but that's probably God's way of telling me that I put too much creamer in it. They love to go for rides and watch TV. They love playing ball and chasing bugs. They love to wrestle and sometimes I think they exaggerate their wrestling moves because I laugh so hard. They bark at me if I stay up too late. I seriously think they just want to cuddle. When there's something strange going on, they let me know and are my fierce protectors but when it's storming they huddle in my lap and the role is reversed.  If I'm sick, they don't leave my side. I can stay in bed 14 hours and they won't move unless I do. Sometimes, I get sad and they take turns nuzzling my hands or giving me kisses. It doesn't matter to them what time of day this happens.  They're always ready. When night is over, they bark at the alarm clock. I think they hate it as much as I do. I wish they could live forever because that's how long I will love them.

Trifecta

 For the first time ever, I have one more than one grand champion ribbon at the fair. Technically all three were reserve Grand Champion ribbons. My first for a plant and cookies. 

Adulting like a boss

 I've always considered myself an adult after all three of my children reached 18 with no major injuries or jail time. I paid bills and took care of chores and lived a life worth living. Then my husband died and I realized how many things he took care of that are now left to me. He really, really took care of me and I feel embarrassed for not thanking him properly.  I have no idea when the lawn mower needs its oil changed or how in the heck to do it. Luckily the truck has a light to come on to remind me. I can fix the toilet now. I've learned to put string on my weedeater and set mouse traps. The yard doesn't look perfect, but I've seen worse. I haven't killed any of the fruit trees. I know how thankful I was when it came to funeral arrangements and my husband had taken care of that for me so I took care of mine. All done. I even ordered our head stone and I'm hoping it will be in place by his birthday.  I've redone beneficiaries on the 401 k's and updated my will. I clean the house and try to donate stuff where it might do some good, but that's taking some time. It's hard to let go of things that hold memories, but I'm doing it slowly. I'm taking better care of myself. Massage scheduled for tomorrow.  I cry when I need to (and sometimes it just happens) and lately I scream when I  need to and as crazy as that sounds it helps. I'm  living alone for the first time in 59 years and it's an adjustment.  An adventure.  A learning opportunity.  

He's ten now

 

Hard to believe ten years have gone by, but it's hard to remember a time in my life that Oscar wasn't there. He's my friend, my buddy, my confidant,  my nurse and snuggle buddy. He only has half his teeth and the white is showing in his muzzle but his love has never been stronger. He's loyal to a fault and still adores car rides, ice cream, and babies. In that order. 

That's My Poppy

 I knew answering questions about Poppy would be inevitable.  I knew it. I tried to steel myself as best as I could, but tears happen. I woke Parker Saturday morning and he was excited to get in the car with me. Five minutes down the road, he asked if we were going to see his Poppy. I told him no that we couldn't because Poppy was in heaven and I swallowed that lump in my throat. I couldn't swallow the tears but wiped them away as fast as I could and I had hoped he didn't see my water works. We arrived safely at our destination and when I got Parker out of his car seat he gave me a big hug ar

ound the neck. As he was pulling away, he grapped my face between his hands and kissed me. He never said anything. He didn't have to. Sometimes actions speak louder than any words ever can.He didn't ask about him again, but he saw my Facebook open and saw a picture of my husband and me and yelled that's my Poppy.  Yes, Parker that will always be your Poppy and I hope you remember  how much he and Ganni love you. Forever and always.

Whispers in the wind

 Every morning I try to spend a couple of minutes on the front porch.  Sometimes I watch the hummingbirds battle it out over one of the five feeders. They all want the same one at the same time.  Sometimes I marvel at the sun coming up. I drink my coffee and cuddle the dogs. Lately it's been incredibly hot during the day so the coolness of the morning is a great start to the day. Today there was a really nice breeze blowing that made the leaves dance. It reminded me of being near the Devil's Tower in South Dakota. The Black Hill Indians tye brightly colored pieces of material to tree limbs. These pieces of material are prayer cloths and they believe the wind carries their prayers up. So I thought about the wind carrying prayers up and even though I didn't have any material, I said a prayer.  I heard a voice tell me it's all gonna be alright and it sounded so much like Dwight.  I swear I  didn't put anything but creamer in the coffee.  

What I miss

 It's been three weeks today and it feels like a million years. I miss my husband so much. I miss his quirky sense of humor. I miss the adventures.  I miss the smell of coffee when I wake up. I miss someone stealing the covers and leaving whiskers in the sink. I miss his laugh and the twinkle in his eye. I miss the hugs and kisses. 

Things kids say

 You know kids can say the damdest things. Sometimes they'll even say things that you'll remember the rest of your life. My son, Paul, told me how emotionally exhausting it was to help take care of my husband for one afternoon.  He knows I took care of my husband for days, weeks that turned into months.  He said he was very proud of me. That not many people could/would honor their vows that way.  It was an honor to take care of my best friend. I couldn't take away his cancer but I  could honor his wish not to die in a hospital or care facility.  All four kids have told me how proud they are of me and that's what I choose to think about when I question my choices. Thinking back, I would just change the outcome.  I know I did my best.

Widow a week

 I've worn many titles in my life and now I have one more. This widow can't keep track of time. I have very strange sleeping habits if I can sleep at all. My dogs are constantly with me no matter when or where. I'm sure they will be very upset when I go to work today, but it's time. I have paper work to do and I need to check on my plants at the office. I hope I can make it through the day. Every thing has changed in my world. Everything. 

I made it through the work day. I only cried once and no one saw me so it didn't count. I can't believe it's been a week since I've kissed you. A week since you held man hand. 

Words to Dwight

 Dwight passed away early yesterday morning and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. Grief is a strange thing. One minute I'm grateful that he's not in pain and in the next breath I'm angry that there's no more chances to fight. Don't get me wrong,  I'm incredibly proud of the fact that he fought. He fought long and hard and died with dignity still trying to take care of me. Last words I heard him say "Dad. I love you. Take care of Kate" . He had already told me that he loved me, but he was tired and it was time to go. I didn't ask where. I knew. I keep telling myself that he's with Chris, his mom, my mom, and his buddy Phillip.  Dwight, if you're watching me please make these tears stop. I didn't take the suit to the funeral home, I  brought your favorite socks and Duck Dynasty slippers. The slippers you used to chase Oscar with. A really nice pair of comfy jeans. The flannel shirt my mom gave you and the bracelet that Paige made. Dixie is going with you. I've got your quilt packed too. I  wish I could go with you, but I've got to take care of your dad and these amazing kids of ours. They're hurting. Maybe you could send a little magic my way one more time. You were my magic man and the love of my life. It was an honor to care for you and be there at the end. I wish I would have met you sooner so I could have loved you longer. 

A prayer

 Today I started my day off with a prayer and it's already a little bit better than yesterday.  I prayed for strength,  guidance,  and wisdom. Dwight was holding my hands and I think he was praying too. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Spoken words

 In times like these, it's difficult to know what to say and just how to say it. I think that every person that visits recognizes that it might be the last visit with Dwight and it's hard. Really hard. Paul shook his hand after Parker and Paige had kissed Dwight to end their visit. Paul told Dwight that they loved him and Paul leaned back over and said I love you. My heart just shattered in a million pieces because no one can fix this. I hope that Dwight heard him. I hopes that he hears the song that I sing to him every night. I just hope that he knows how much he is loved by so many people. 

The decision

 PET scans showed marked improvement in my husband's battle against cancer. Unfortunately his body is just too weak to continue chemo at this time. He's very weak and needs serious help. More help than I can give even with the love and support of our friends and family. Home Health can't give him all he needs and pallatve care won't cover it either. I made the decision to start Hospice Care. It's not a decision that I take lightly.  I think it's for the best. I'm tired of seeing him in pain and watching helplessly.  I love him more than anything and refuse to give up hope, but my back is against a wall and I don't see any other reasonable choices. I'm grateful for all the love and support. A lot of people ask what I need and I can't think of anything other than prayers.  I need the strength, wisdom,  and grace that only God can give me. 

I found him

 That man in the hospital bed, he's not my husband.  I suppose the law says he is but my husband doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He would never dump out medicine that I went to four different pharmacies to fulfill the prescription.  He would never threaten me for washing his feet or cleaning him up. My husband is kind and thoughtful.  That man residing in the hospital bed is not. To be fair, my husband warned me that fighting cancer would be hell and that I had no idea what we were getting into. He was right. I'm  amazed he's fought this long and this hard. Every time he cries out in pain, a part of my heart breaks. Last night. I slept on the couch and before I laid down I  made sure he had everything he needed.  I couldn't sleep so I went over to him again and kissed him and told him I loved him. My husband looked me deep in my eyes and told me he loved me too. My husband  not the stranger.  It felt so good to find him even for a moment 

The boys

 I should tell my grandsons how incredibly proud I am of them and how much I adore them. The wheelchair,  the loss of hair, the drastic change in Poppy's appearance makes no difference to them. They love him unconditionally and show it as best as any two year old can. Sometimes they want to sit in his lap, but if he's sleeping they're happy to just watch him sleep some times joining in on that nap action. They talk to him and just enjoy his being there. Man, those are some smart kids.

The best medicine

 They say laughter is the best medicine.  I know it cures the blues. We had Parker this weekend. Dwight was confined to a wheelchair and Parker took his duties as a nurse very seriously.  He was pushing the wheelchair and wanted to do it by himself telling everyone that Poppy wanted to go fast.  Dwight laughed so hard and that laugh was music to my ears. Later, Parker discovered the joy of drinking from a water hose on a hot day and I had my own belly laugh.

You're not God

 I don't care how many degrees you have or how many letters behind your title. You're not God. You don't know everything.  Medical science is just that. You don't tell a dying man he's dying over and over and take away any small hope he may have left. You are the reason the hospital has had to post this sign

I pray God forgives you for your senseless cruelty and that I stay busy enough not to kick your fucking ass.

Dreams come true

 I never would have believed that I'd see the Northern lights in Arkansas, but seeing them was a dream come true.

What if????

 Chemo #7 is done. Dwight handled it really well. He's taking his meds on time. Trying to eat more and resting a lot. The doctor told us his CA markers continue to show improvement.  Down to 56. He started with a marker of over 9000. I can't help but hope. What if they were wrong? What if he can beat it? Nothing would make me happier.  People are wrong all the time. Doctors are wrong (that's kinda what got us in this mess).

Enjoy it

 I wish the last time I rode the Harley I would have known it was the last time. I would have asked to go a little further and a little faster. I wish the last time we went out for dinner and drinks, I would have ordered dessert and an extra drink. Maybe we can go out once more. Maybe we can have that last dance. Some one once said you're responsible for your own happiness but it's a lot easier if your life is filled with puppies and rainbows and not cancer. That C word changes things. You focus day to day and you try to create your own happiness and take those little victories whenever you can. You make friends with some nurses that cross your path that are incredible people. You listen to stories and try to learn from other people.  You smile when you can and put on the best front you can. Always.  Every day. You make a difference and you make yourself enjoy it because tomorrow isn't promised.

Take the picture

 Someday you'll regret not taking a picture.  Someone will be gone and the opportunity will be lost. You can't rewind time. Take the picture.  It doesn't matter if your makeup is on. It doesn't matter if your clothes are wrinkled.  All people will remember is your smile, maybe what was said and how the picture came to be. I forced Chris to stand by a waterfall and it was the last good picture ever taken of him. It almost didn't happen because he had to get his shoes wet. I'm so glad it did. I know I irritate people taking pictures.  I make no apologies.  Smile cause I'm gonna get you.

Three Little Words

 This morning I called my son for some medical advice. His son was listening in the background and said "Hi Ganni". I told them both good bye and said I loved them. My grandson said it back. He loves me. I think I've been on a natural high all day.  Three little words make such a big difference in this crazy world and for the record, Parker I love you more.

How did we get here?

 We're looking at doing chemo #6 on Tuesday. More than half way to the scans. His ca numbers have dropped from 9000 to around 500. Still way to high but chemo is doing something.  His hair is thinning but it's still there. Mine is thinning too. The dogs seldom leave his side and are extremely protective.  I try to make it from day to day. I have a little notebook that I write down things I need to do each day beyond the ordinary get dressed, brush hair and teeth.  I seldom get everything done, but scratching something off the list gives me an insane amount of pleasure. This weekend will mark the anniversary of Chris' death and I hope we can celebrate Chris.  I don't want to see him hurt anymore.  He's had more than enough. Chris certainly gave us lots to laugh about. He called Buckeyees the gas station on Crack. I know he misses him. We all do. It will be a good reminder to celebrate what you have left because no one is promised tomorrow.

32 and you (Lauren)

 I can't believe you're turning 32. Words can't tell you how much I love you or how proud I am of you. Sure I'm proud of your accomplishments , but I'm really proud of you. Not the things but what's in your heart. I wish more people in this world loved the way you do. Completely.  Passionately.  From the inside out with everything.  It doesn't seem to matter how many times you get knocked down or dealt a losing hand. You always come back stronger and better not bitter. I almost wish you knew how to hate, but you don't.  It's funny to see you try but it's just not in your genetic makeup.  You're the kind of person that I've always wanted to be. You give so much of yourself to others. As a recipient, I want to thank you for the love and strength you've given me. I hope your Birthday is truly exceptional like you. I'll always love you more.

I can't/don't want to/ will

 Sometimes I feel like I just can't.  I can't take care of everything the way it needs to be taken care of. I never learned to use a tractor.  We've always joked about my inability to start a fire. Draco scares the crap out of me (bearded dragons aren't cuddly or cute). I can lift a feed sack, but don't ask me to walk with it. I never thought I could deal with vomit on an almost daily basis, but I can. I don't want to but I can. I can even go a little further and disinfect so there's no lingering germs. I hate the smell of banana pudding but if that's what he wants, I'll make it. I may have to go outside while he eats it, but you do what you have to do. This morning, there was a problem with his ostomy bag. I  cleaned him up in record time. He had to ask me to put his socks on and I felt like such a bitch. I know it hurts for him to bend over. I hate that he had to ask. I should have remembered. I made it  to work on time and just celebrating that fact made me angry. Work can wait. Everything can wait. Being there when someone needs you that's worth celebrating.

Chemo #3

 Chemo #3 was delayed due to white blood cell count being off. That might have been a good thing. It gave him extra time to recover and gain some strength.  Gained a whole two pounds too. Some days, I had my Dwight back. The one that laughed and joked with me. He could tell that I had washed my car because my Crack was clean. Guess you had to be there. It was so good to hear that old belly laugh. It's good too to see him making plans for the future.  His future. Things he wants to do and see happen. They say we're in a false spring now. I hope not. He needs to feel the sun and experience the sunshine. 

Love

 There was a time when I thought I knew what love was, but as you get older you learn a little bit more and become just a little bit wiser. I still believe love is knowing just how your partner likes their coffee and the best time to give that cup. I know it's giving a much needed hug without any words being said. It's making some else's dreams come true and giving them a reason to smile. But it's so much more....

It's staring death in the face and being strong for those that need you. It's fighting for a little more time to let them accept your leaving. It's not giving up when you're in so much pain. It's putting on a brave face when you're afraid and don't have the answers.  

Chemo week 2

 I wish I could say this round has been easier, but it's not. We're learning to adjust. Dwight knows just a little bit ahead of time that he will be sick. I'm more concentrated on keeping up with antinausea meds. He's been able to keep a little more down and I pray that he hasn't lost more weight. I have to go and buy him smaller sweat pants today. I think I'm getting a little more sleep but I'm not sure. I miss my husband that was so strong and capable of anything (other than spelling) but I  think I'm getting stronger. Not by choice. I wish I knew what the future holds for us and rejoice in the fact that there is one. I know I'll always want one more day.  I admire those that have taken this journey before me...Karon, Jay, and Rhonda they are truly an inspiration and their kindness has meant so much. 

Chemo week1

 Well we're officially over week one of chemo. I mean really over it. The first four days were almost good. Dwight slept almost around the clock, but he could eat small quantities and keep the food down. Good times. About day five, the nausea started and it hasn't stopped.  I've never seen someone that can't even keep water down. His poor throat is so sore, he speaks in a whisper. I've taken a firmer stance on the anti nausea meds and I'm trying to keep him medicated around the clock, but he's a stubborn man. I know I should push nutritious food, but I'm pushing calories.  Quantity over quality.  He's admitted that he's too weak to drive and I'm proud of him for acknowledging that before having an accident.  It takes strength to acknowledge your weakness.  I marvel at how strong he is and wish I could be as strong as him. Not only do I get to wash his hair(yes it's still there) but now I get to shave him. This brings us closer and he laughs at how scared I am of cutting him. I think he jumps to see me jump more. So not funny. Then he tells me "Don't worry, you won't kill me". Again not funny, but I love him anyway. 

For better. For worse

 I remember saying the words for better, for worse and in sickness and in health.  I don't ever remember being so afraid and so utterly unprepared.  I wake up in the morning and immediately look for my husband.  Sometimes he's right beside me. Sometimes he's in his recliner or on the couch. Other times he's in one of the spare beds but I have found him on the front porch-you just never know. After I find him. I check his breathing and then his temperature.  If my hand on his forehead wakes him up, I ask if he needs anything.  Then I take care of his urinal and any signs of vomiting.  This would be the " in sickness " part and for a person that doesn't have the nursing gene so prevalent in our family, I'm doing pretty well.  I've flushed a drain. Cleaned a port. Changed a bag. Lots of cleaning.  Lots of sanitizing.  Then I start my coffee and feed the animals.  Then I can fix my husband breakfast if his stomach is cooperative.  Next I head to work and try to schedule my check up calls around naps. I can handle this. I know I can. I can't watch him in pain. I can't watch the light go out of his eyes. I can't make this terrible disease go away, but I can live to see him smile. The smiles are so few, but they happen. I can show him how much I  love him. I can make him proud of me til death do us part.