The Rabbit Hole

 I lost my phone (eventually found it) and I got Dwight's phone out and charged it up. I went through his pictures.  Lots of great photos.  Then, I started watching his videos. I watched and watched for hours. It felt so good to hear his voice. Really good. I even enjoyed his videos on fishing. The ones with Parker were too funny. There's one taken of David at four am. You can hear the laughter in his voice.  I  need to find a way to save them. 

One step foward two back

 Just when I think I have a handle on things, shit happens.  I was getting ready for the birth of my grand daughter and I got sick. Sick enough to go to the hospital and to fall behind on her quilt. Made it down to see her, but missed her actual birth and I still haven't finished the quilt. Then I made it home and my health insurance called and wanted to speak with my husband.  I explained he was unavailable.  She then told me that she could not talk to me and needed to speak directly with him. I lost it and asked her are you fucking kidding me? She said no did she have the correct phone number. I told her yes but she needed to update her damn records because Dwight passed in June and wouldn't be taking any calls. I probably would have handled this better if I hadn't already told them that. I give it two weeks before she calls again.  

Pruitt Jayne

 

Every one thinks Pruitt Jayne has arrived early, but I've been waiting to meet her for over 20 years. When she opens her eyes and looks into mine she seems to say that she knows me. She knows I love her. I love all of my grandchildren with a love that defies all logic. Sure I loved my kids. I still do, but grandchildren are on another level and this lovely is already a huge part of my heart. Welcome liitle one. Tho she be tiny she is fierce.

I didn't ask

 I didn't ask what anyone wanted on the tombstone.  I just didn't.  Dwight and I  agreed that we wanted our children's names listed and that we didn't want grandkids' names listed because we could potentially leave someone off and neither of us was ok with that idea. He liked the black marble but couldn't justify the cost. I merely did not give a shit about the cost. He wanted it. I loved it. I do not want to hear if you disapprove.  I tried and tried to think of some religious verse that could embody our love and failed miserably, so I used a saying that we often said to each other. I wish I could have met you sooner so I could have loved you longer . It still fits. The picture is just us hanging out on Sam's Throne. To be completely honest, my mom took that picture and we had lots of good times there. I couldn't chose a vacation picture.  There was just too many great ones to chose from. The same with Christmas and holiday pictures.  Too many damn good memories.  So I chose what my heart wanted and if you knew Dwight you know anything I wanted...he wanted for me. 

She called me brave

 Talking with one of the strongest, most fierce momma bears on the planet and she called me brave. This woman is tough as nails and she thinks I'm strong. I'm not. I think about all my dreams that have been dashed and I cry. I cry for what could have been and for all my plans that won't ever come to be. I'm afraid of not finding myself again. Afraid of not ever being really happy. I don't know what my purpose is. I'm afraid of waking up every day and feeling like someone kicked me in the gut for the rest of my life, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing my husband. We talked about his dying and how I would do anything to stop it, but we didn't discuss my living. I know he wanted me to take care of his boys...meaning our grandsons, but they have parents for that. I know I had a life before Dwight came along, but he really taught me how to let go and live, laugh, and love. Life became living. I know I'm living. I get up. Feed the critters. Do the chores. Go to work. It's a life, but it's not really living.  I'll find it one way or die trying and maybe she's a little bit right because I ain't scared of trying. 

63

 Today the love of my life would have been sixty three. I realize that some people might say that's really old, but it's not. He didn't live long enough. He didn't live long enough to live out all his dreams. He wanted to teach his boys to hunt and fish. He wanted to hike Crater Lake. He talked about going to Paris and Scotland and he was just crazy enough to do it. I miss him so much. I miss his laughter and corny jokes. I miss the way he would try to be stern with me and totally cave when I really wanted something. I miss the way he would surprise me with the most unusual things... a horse, a trip, a train ride, a flower...I just never knew what to expect, but I got him too. I surprised him with a gun he wanted. Biscuits and gravy at three am. Fishing trips.. sometimes all night long. I miss the way we just fell into place. He was the peanut butter to my jelly. So much laughter so many damn good memories. I know this is all part of grief. I've heard with deep love comes great grief but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the last words I heard him say...."Take care of Kate". That's what I'm going to do. I owe it to him and his memory. 

Missing

 I spent the last two weekends with grandsons. The first with Parker and last weekend with David and JD. They make me laugh and I know they would have made Dwight laugh too. They way Parker says Buffalo River. The way David loves his eggs and all things tractor related. Little JD just loves to be held and rocked. It's strange how you can hold him to the sun and catch blond in his hair. There's no genetic reason for this. Beth's hair is a deep brown, auburn and Jody's is dark brown. I like to think Dwight touched him in some way. I miss him. I miss watching him with his boys.