They should be here

 Sorry another grief post, but this time I'm angry. I'm so tired of cleaning up messes that didn't  create. I'm tired of doing things by myself.  I'm tired of thinking for myself with no help on the answers. I don't know where the pulley went. I don't know how to kill the algae without hurting the catfish. I don't know what the future holds but I do know I expected my husband to be here or his son. They should be here for Lauren's wedding too. They would have loved the view of the mountains.  I think that's what I'm most angry about. Another special occasion that I can't physically share with him. I am so fucking tired of crying.  I am so tired of trying to pretend that this is the life I want.  Rant over. I'll be better in the morning. 

Happy Birthday Lauren

 Happy Birthday Lauren Schuller. It's the last time I get to say it that way. Next year you'll be Mrs. Lacher.  The idea of giving your daughter away is ludicrous.  You'll never leave my heart or mind. I am so proud to be part of your journey to the woman you've become. You've taught me so much and I'm a better person for knowing you. Here's to another trip around the sun. I love you.

Fuck Cancer

 I have a blanket that says Fuck Cancer. Technically it was Dwight's but I can't agree more with those words. I heard another good man is fighting a battle just like Dwight did and I've been praying for him. Then the song "The Dance" came blaing on the radio. Ok I turned it up but the volume really didn't matter. The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to pull over for a little bit. Fuck Cancer and everything it does and all those it leaves behind.

My favorite time of day

 Lately my favorite time of day really doesn't have an exact time. It's when I'm sitting in my recliner with a hot cup of coffee and the sun peeks over the mountain.  The sunshine is behind the trees and they look almost golden. My lap is a warm bundle of doggies. That feeling when the first sip of coffee touches your soul and you feel like there's nothing you can't do.

My love

 February 14th.  The day to celebrate love. I knew I'd be in Little Rock today so I celebrated a little bit early. It was a warm beautiful day and I went to the cemetery.  I put roses on his grave and I sat down and talked to my husband. I talked for a long time and I sat on the ground absorbing the sun's rays and I let my heart say things that my mouth couldn't.   I left with a peace that doesn't come easy or often.  I'll always miss him.

Snow 2026

 We got our first snow this year with some bitter cold. Single digits without the wind chill factored in. The dogs, even the long haired ones, were not fans. Honey cried when her feet got too cold.

Coming home

 I don't care if I'm  coming home from the beach, Springfield, Little Rock, or some other location, once I get about thirty miles out my foot is a little bit heavier on the accelerator. Once I cross that Newton County line my breathing gets a little bit calmer and a peace settles over my heart. I know my subconscious is secretly hoping I'll walk in the door and I'll be wrapped in a bear hug like so many times before, but I'll walk in and find five wiggle butts. They'll all be at the door wagging their tails so hard it's almost impossible to imagine their backsides are attached to their front paws. Then they'll start jumping and whining and I'll have to bend down to give pats then the kisses start. All five at once. Lots of kisses and I'll have to smile. I don't know if the smile is for me or them, but it's a good reminder that home is where love is and it comes in so many forms.