Just like that

 I woke up this morning and reached out for my husband. I was momentarily surprised that he wasn't right beside me and then reality hit. I  will never physically touch him again.  Two years of healing, growing,  and moving forward gone in mere seconds.  Just like that, the pain was as raw as it ever has been. The tears I thought were under control fell faster than rain. How many tears can one body possibly produce? I know my body can continually produce them for three hours. The drive from Little Rock to Jasper is typically three hours. Every landmark memory was a stab to the heart. The burger joint. The farmers marker where we bought a huge water mellon to strap to the motorcycle.  All the ice cream stops at Sonic. The access to the river where he patiently tried to teach me to back a fishing boat. One memory after another.  I know I will miss him until I draw my last breath.  I'm used to a part of me being gone but damn does it have to hurt so bad?  The missing should be enough.  Not having your best friend. Not having the one that always had your back. Not having your travel partner, your lover, your helper. The missing should be enough.I know God has a plan and He's in control I just wish that I could understand or hurt a little less.

The sea and me

 Sometimes I go to the beach. O.K. that's a lie. I go to the beach every chance I get. The waves calm my soul and I'm reminded that new beginnings start every day like the beach being changed with each wave that comes to shore bringing new treasures .  Sometimes the treasure is a new shell and other times it's the sight of a friendly dolphin passing through.  I love to listen to the waves and smell the air that has a hint of salt in it. I can talk to the sea and pray to God. I have a lot of requests and still need some questions answered. I  think my requests are heard but those questions still haven't been answered so I'll go back soon.

Keeping Promises

 

On his death bed my husband wanted me to take care of his boys. His grandchildren.  Our grandchildren. So every chance I get I try to make memories and bring them together so they know the love of family. It's a lot of work and I get really tired but there's nothing like hearing them laugh together.  When they hug each other, it melts my heart and when they give this granny a kiss I'm over the moon. Sometimes they cry when I leave and I leave quick because I don't look cute when I cry. 

The Bouquet

 It's been almost a week since my baby got married. It was the most beautiful, untraditional wedding you've ever seen. It wasn't in a church but on a mountain.  None of the bride's maids dresses were alike but each woman looked beautiful and they fit together like a beautiful bouquet.  There was a  branding ceremony at sunset. We didn't toss rice or birdseed but blew bubbles. There wasn't a tossing of the bouquet and I didn't think too much about it. Everyone had a good time and it was a wonderful celebration.  The next day the bride informed me that she didn't toss the bouquet because she wanted to dedicate it to her step father...my husband . It's been a week and I still tear up. She loved him so much and I know that he loved her just as much

 

They should be here

 Sorry another grief post, but this time I'm angry. I'm so tired of cleaning up messes that didn't  create. I'm tired of doing things by myself.  I'm tired of thinking for myself with no help on the answers. I don't know where the pulley went. I don't know how to kill the algae without hurting the catfish. I don't know what the future holds but I do know I expected my husband to be here or his son. They should be here for Lauren's wedding too. They would have loved the view of the mountains.  I think that's what I'm most angry about. Another special occasion that I can't physically share with him. I am so fucking tired of crying.  I am so tired of trying to pretend that this is the life I want.  Rant over. I'll be better in the morning. 

Happy Birthday Lauren

 Happy Birthday Lauren Schuller. It's the last time I get to say it that way. Next year you'll be Mrs. Lacher.  The idea of giving your daughter away is ludicrous.  You'll never leave my heart or mind. I am so proud to be part of your journey to the woman you've become. You've taught me so much and I'm a better person for knowing you. Here's to another trip around the sun. I love you.

Fuck Cancer

 I have a blanket that says Fuck Cancer. Technically it was Dwight's but I can't agree more with those words. I heard another good man is fighting a battle just like Dwight did and I've been praying for him. Then the song "The Dance" came blaing on the radio. Ok I turned it up but the volume really didn't matter. The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to pull over for a little bit. Fuck Cancer and everything it does and all those it leaves behind.