Yesterday we were in a plane or in an air port for over twelve hours. The babies did better than anyone could hope for, but it was a rough journey. We had a lay over in the Dominican Republic due to weather. We made it to Wild Ginger BNB after getting a little lost and going through Carnival traffic. I fell asleep listening to laughter and my loved ones joking and talking to each other. This morning I'm listening to waves drinking coffee and it's an honor to be here.
By the time this is posted, the plane leaving Memphis will have the wheels in the air. Yes, I'm excited for vacation. I always am, but this year I'm going somewhere I've never been. Really someplace I never ever thought I would travel and with people that I've only ever dreamed of traveling with. We're headed to the U.S. Virgin Islands with two grandsons and some people that I haven't vacationed with in sixteen years. The last time I vacationed with my biological children-they were just that-children. I'm sure it'll be different-for one I can send them out for food and adult beverages. There is a beautiful Air Bnb with a great view and a pool. There's tons of beaches to explore, but I think everyone just wants to slow it down. No one is hooked on any excursion or bar or restaurant. This is not a fast paced vacation-we'll be on island time. Taking it slow and taking it in. I'm sure I'll post a million pictures. Hoping to make a million memories. If you're not a fan of beach pictures, you might want to snooze me for the next week or two.
Parker came home with us after David's birthday party and it's been exciting to say the least. We've tried to keep his scheduled nap times and bed time but it's different for him. He walks around waving his hand in front of his nose when there's a dirty diaper. He only wants Poppy when he first wakes up. He will run to greet me when I get home, like we haven't seen each other in a million years, but morning time is for Poppy. I know we'll remember the lack of sleep, but I hope we remember the little things-like Poppy screeching Granny put my brains back after I used the nasal aspirator like Parker squealing with laughter when Oscar scratches his back like Parker kissing Oscar like a living room floor covered in dog toys and plastic balls. Parker has discovered fresh cow's milk (a fan), walking in grass (not a fan), and fig newtons (a fan).
Happy Birthday to my lil' Tater Tot. You've only been here a year and I can't imagine a day without you. I have hundreds of photos of you on my phone and plenty of video that feed my heart when I can't physically be near you. You are the sweetest boy and it's a joy watching you grow and discover new things.
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Still searching for answers and asking why, but death can teach us all something and remind us of things we might have forgotten.
Time is a gift. No one is given extra time and no matter how powerful you are-you can't get more. When it's your time, you will go. You won't have more time to spend with someone you should have. You won't get another chance to take the picture, give a hug, or say the words. You just won't. Your time is your own. You are responsible for how you spend it, use it, or lose it.
I don't think anyone has regretted saying the words "I love you". I just don't. Now is not the time to try and change my mind.
People grieve in different ways and have different needs, but understanding and kindness go a long way.
I've prayed for years that I wouldn't have to bury a child. I realize I never gave birth to my stepson Chris, but you can't tell my heart that. That won't make the tears flow any less. Son/stepson makes no difference to a mom and that's what I am. I don't recommend it. You can't kiss all the hurt away. You can't rewind time. All the times, I've been told to put down the camera and now I only wish that I had taken more pictures. More videos. More time. I'm sure his mom feels the same way. I had to call her. Our first conversation. I don't recommend it. We text pretty frequently, but never really talked. I don't know why. I do know that I never want to repeat those words again. Your son is gone. My son is gone. A huge void to be filled. I don't recommend trying to fill the void. It just can't be done. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But, please no more deaths. Please don't let us outlive the rest of our kids because this is too painful. I don't recommend it.
