Choking on the words

 I answer the phone at least a hundred times a day. It's my job and the nature of the beast. There are a lot of well meaning people that end our conversations with the words Merry Christmas. I  say those words back to them.  I choke them out trying not to be rude, but I've never felt less Christmassy in all of my life. I couldn't bring myself to do cards. I wanted to but just couldn't make myself do it.  I'm choking on cheer and good will. I  know I will get through this and I pray it won't be like this every year. Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

Selfish

 

I've been so wrapped up in my grief I've forgotten to take Dwight's dad and his feelings into consideration.  I was dreading the Day Family  Christmas Party because it was the first time in 17 years that I have ever been without Dwight. Ralph had been with him 61 years. He's lost all of his siblings,  both parents, his wife, son and a grandson.  I don't know how he has the strength he has, but I do know he loves children and they made it a lot easier on him this year. 

The first Christmas

 Everyone told me the first Christmas after losing someone would be hard. I've been trying to brace myself,  but somehow I forgot to remind myself that Christmas isn't just one day. It's a whole season.  Lasting from the last bite of turkey until the New Year. I made it through the Polar Express and I don't think anyone noticed my misty eyes but I cried myself to sleep. Dwight would have loved seeing the look on David's face when he saw the train. He would have laughed at JD reaching for Santa's beard. He woul have loved chugging cocoa, eating cookies and laughing with Beth, Jody, and Rhonda. I find it ironic that there was one unused ticket. Parker sat on Santa's lap with no problem and wants to go see his friend Santa every day. I really think Dwight would have taken him everyday as his favorite Santa is at Bass Pro. We went and saw the holiday lights in Sherwood where Paul told Parker to look at the partridge in the tree. Look at the bird in the tree. Parker said Dada that's a turkey. So now there's a turkey associated with Christmas too. Maybe Dwight would have stopped me from buying so many dresses for Pruitt, but I seriously doubt it. I took his dad to a Christmas parade and he really enjoyed it. I'm  doing this. I'm getting through it but I wish he was here because I loved seeing him smile and laugh.This was a hard time for Dwight. He lost his mom early in life and like my mom-she truly loved Christmas. His grandpa died Christmas eve too so it took a long time for Christmas to be Merry and jolly for Dwight but he got there. Slowly he got there. I have every intention of getting there too, but he will always be with me in my heart.Always.

Swans and living

 I spent Thanksgiving evening with two old friends.  They were riding buddies for Dwight and I. They love and miss him so it was easy to talk to them about him. They both told me that Dwight wouldn't want me to stop living. I knew that, but it was nice to hear out loud. Then, I spent the next day doing just that. Living. I went to see the Swans in Heber Springs.  Kelly and I went Black Friday shopping.  I went a little crazy at the children's store. We ate Chinese. I tried steamed bread(yummy), kimchi(not so yummy), and a spicy sushi.  I left their house to make it home before dark. Got home and cuddled with the dogs under a new Christmas blanket and binged watch Bridgerton.