Words to Dwight

 Dwight passed away early yesterday morning and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. Grief is a strange thing. One minute I'm grateful that he's not in pain and in the next breath I'm angry that there's no more chances to fight. Don't get me wrong,  I'm incredibly proud of the fact that he fought. He fought long and hard and died with dignity still trying to take care of me. Last words I heard him say "Dad. I love you. Take care of Kate" . He had already told me that he loved me, but he was tired and it was time to go. I didn't ask where. I knew. I keep telling myself that he's with Chris, his mom, my mom, and his buddy Phillip.  Dwight, if you're watching me please make these tears stop. I didn't take the suit to the funeral home, I  brought your favorite socks and Duck Dynasty slippers. The slippers you used to chase Oscar with. A really nice pair of comfy jeans. The flannel shirt my mom gave you and the bracelet that Paige made. Dixie is going with you. I've got your quilt packed too. I  wish I could go with you, but I've got to take care of your dad and these amazing kids of ours. They're hurting. Maybe you could send a little magic my way one more time. You were my magic man and the love of my life. It was an honor to care for you and be there at the end. I wish I would have met you sooner so I could have loved you longer. 

A prayer

 Today I started my day off with a prayer and it's already a little bit better than yesterday.  I prayed for strength,  guidance,  and wisdom. Dwight was holding my hands and I think he was praying too. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Spoken words

 In times like these, it's difficult to know what to say and just how to say it. I think that every person that visits recognizes that it might be the last visit with Dwight and it's hard. Really hard. Paul shook his hand after Parker and Paige had kissed Dwight to end their visit. Paul told Dwight that they loved him and Paul leaned back over and said I love you. My heart just shattered in a million pieces because no one can fix this. I hope that Dwight heard him. I hopes that he hears the song that I sing to him every night. I just hope that he knows how much he is loved by so many people. 

The decision

 PET scans showed marked improvement in my husband's battle against cancer. Unfortunately his body is just too weak to continue chemo at this time. He's very weak and needs serious help. More help than I can give even with the love and support of our friends and family. Home Health can't give him all he needs and pallatve care won't cover it either. I made the decision to start Hospice Care. It's not a decision that I take lightly.  I think it's for the best. I'm tired of seeing him in pain and watching helplessly.  I love him more than anything and refuse to give up hope, but my back is against a wall and I don't see any other reasonable choices. I'm grateful for all the love and support. A lot of people ask what I need and I can't think of anything other than prayers.  I need the strength, wisdom,  and grace that only God can give me. 

I found him

 That man in the hospital bed, he's not my husband.  I suppose the law says he is but my husband doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He would never dump out medicine that I went to four different pharmacies to fulfill the prescription.  He would never threaten me for washing his feet or cleaning him up. My husband is kind and thoughtful.  That man residing in the hospital bed is not. To be fair, my husband warned me that fighting cancer would be hell and that I had no idea what we were getting into. He was right. I'm  amazed he's fought this long and this hard. Every time he cries out in pain, a part of my heart breaks. Last night. I slept on the couch and before I laid down I  made sure he had everything he needed.  I couldn't sleep so I went over to him again and kissed him and told him I loved him. My husband looked me deep in my eyes and told me he loved me too. My husband  not the stranger.  It felt so good to find him even for a moment