John Legend - All of Me

I don't have a video of the actual dance at the wedding, but I would love to see it. Mike had basically lost his voice when he and Kate danced their first dance to this song. Maybe into the first verse, the kids had started singing it. As time went on, more and more people all joined in and formed a huge circle around the couple. It may have been a little corny, but it felt good to be in that group hug and in that moment.

There was a toast

Yesterday, I went to my step-dad's wedding. Like I normally do, I cried. I cry at all weddings at some point, but this was different. It was like a dam burst and I couldn't stop. Maybe it was because I'm happy for him, maybe it was because Kate was so beautiful, and maybe it was because it was just one more reminder that Mom is really gone.
Anyway, through the grace of God and some amazing people around me (Mary, Beth, Jody-this would be you), I recovered. My make up even remained good enough to take pictures.
After kicking myself for a while, I started rethinking the whole "toast" idea. I had already embarrassed myself enough for one day.
Then, we got to the reception and Paul was so nervous about giving his. I told him he would be fine and when he asked if I was going to "toast" I told him honestly, I didn't know if I could. Paul should not have worried. His toast was wonderful, funny, sweet, and it gave you all the warm fuzzy feelings. I am so proud of him.
Then the host was asking people to come forward and it seemed like no one would. One of my kids yelled "Go, Mom" and there was no turning back.
My main objective was to tell Mike that we loved him and welcomed Kate and not cry and not embarrass myself.
I remember introducing myself and my kids. I explained that the handsome young man that gave the previous toast was still single. I told them that Mike had been at the hospital each time I had given birth. That he had been there for softball, baseball, football, and basket ball games. That he had watched them grow up. He had been there for me for some of the best times of my life. He was there for them too being a man he didn't have to be-and we all loved him.
I also went on to explain that Mike had lost some of his "twinkle". When he was happy, like last night-his eyes twinkled kinda like Santa Claus. For a while those eyes were a little dim, but Ms. Kate had brought back the sparkle. I told her I was honored to have her in the family and ended with a toast to life, love, laughter, and happily ever after. That's what I remember anyway.
Before I handed the mic over, I received a nice round of applause and I sat down at the table so proud of myself for not even one crack in the voice. Not one.
So I sit myself down and Casey is wiping her eyes. So is Lauren. So is Beth. Not good. Someone said "damn Mom" so I went into overdrive with something stupid and in a matter of minutes we were all laughing again. Were Mary's eyes a little watery? Surely not.
Dwight and I were driving and I asked him was there something wrong with my toast? He never, ever lies to me. He said no. I told him that I saw Lauren, Casey, and Beth wiping their eyes and he kinda laughed and squeezed my hand. To tell the truth he said he got misty eyed himself. I asked again what was wrong with it-and he said nothing-you just made everyone feel the love and sometimes that gets us softies.
I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
Best Wishes Mike

Graduation Day Beth Carson, Esquire

I remember being pregnant with Beth. I read all the books on what to expect and what to do when your little bundle of joy makes her arrival. But,  nothing prepared me for the flood of emotions that came with being a mother. That still come with being a mother.
Today, that little bundle of joy will walk across the stage in Fayetteville and receive her law degree.
That in itself is a huge accomplishment and I am very, very proud of her but I think I've even more proud that I can still see my little girl.
She still loves her cats and fighting for what she believes is right. She will argue with a brick wall. I remember when she told everyone my third pregnancy would give her a little sister because she already had a brother. No amount of reasoning with her would work. She's still that way. I hope the legal community is ready for her.
She still takes time to stop and smell the roses. Some times it's the daffodils. Sometimes it's the iris, but she still makes time to notice the beauty around her and when she does-it never occurs to her that she's part of that beauty. Inside and out, just beautiful. I see it, and I know her husband does too.
She's made this incredible journey and kept those close to her near. She's made new friends on this journey and I congratulate them on their accomplishment too.
I'm so happy that she's making her dreams come true.

Just a reminder

"amazing" regrets

It's a little after six am on a Saturday morning as I type. Today I was supposed to sleep late. To my husband, sleeping in until six is sleeping half the day away, but to me sleeping late means staying in bed after my work day usually starts around seven am.
My dogs pounced on me at 4:30 and bounced all around until I let them out for their morning business. This happens every day. Every friggin day. On week days, once they come back inside they go back to bed and hide under the covers until my alarm goes off. Then we wrestle on the bed, play hide and seek, and I rub their bellies for ten or fifteen minutes. Every day. At some point, Dixie or Oscar will sneak up beside me and kiss my cheek or curl up in my lap and I'll have to scratch behind their ears and tell them how amazing they are. I wish I had done this with my kids. Not scratching behind the ears or rubbing the belly, but telling them how amazing they are. I told my kids I love them and they know it, but I didn't always tell them how amazing they are and I certainly didn't tell them every day.
Imagine a world where children were told every day that they are amazing and that they are loved. That every day started out with cuddles and laughter.
I got lucky. Really lucky. My kids are grown and are amazing people. I hope that they know that-even if I didn't tell them.

Wilson Park

In my journeys through Pinterest, I found a place that I wanted to visit in Fayetteville, AR called "Wilson Park." As luck would have it, I had a doctor's appointment in Fayetteville on a beautiful sunny day so I headed over there. Keep in mind, some of the Pinterest journeys have been major disappointments.
This one did not disappoint. In fact, a lot of my pictures at the park were better than the one I saw on Pinterest. Hope I get time to load them.
Here take a gander:

Grief

I try to put this day out of my mind as long as possible. As much as I try, May just brings on the "Mom" stuff. It might be all the damn Mother's Day cards at Walmart or it might just be memories resurfacing. It could in the corners of my mind that I realize it's been three years since she's been gone and I'm afraid I'll forget something important so I'll try to remember every thing. I've reread all of her blogs and there was one about things she liked. She loved donuts for breakfast and a good cup of coffee. But all of this remembering comes at a price. My heart breaks and the tears flow.
Today is supposed to be a beautiful day. No clouds, no rain, and no tears.
I thought about going to Mom's grave (and I still might) but my best friend has off work today-for the first time in thirteen days so we're going to spend some time together in the sunshine. Making memories. Laughing. Probably taking pictures. We may even stop for coffee and doughnuts. All the things that Mom would have loved. I know she'll be with me.