Morning with David

 After kicking me all night, David woke up around six am, grabbed my hand, and told me we were going downstairs.  Unfortunately I was unable to find his tractor show and that put him in a testy mood. Then he wanted donuts. I told him no and that mommy and daddy did not want him to have donuts first thing in the morning.  He looked in the box of donuts, grabbed one, and calmly told me that it was a bagel with sprinkles.  Bagels for breakfast. Alright then.

What I Can't Do

 This past weekend,  I went to a wedding. Makeup and panty hose in a dress. Then some one wanted to talk about Dwight and I just couldn't.  I tried to end the conversation as quickly and politely as I could. I saved my makeup but wasn't as polite as I would have liked. I had thought about visiting Mom's grave as I was less than two miles from there, but I just couldn't do that either. I made it by Dwight's grave and did fresh flowers and we had a long talk. I think I needed it. I  know no one will believe me but there were turkey tracks on top of his marker. I know turkey tracks when I see them and they were definitely there. I know I can't speed through this think called grief. I know it will take some time. Possibly  a long time. I can't hurry it or pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes I get a little crazy and ask for a sign that it's all gonna be all right. That's what those turkey tracks were. Then I felt a warm feeling almost like a hug. I'm sure it was the sun...but I'm not really sure.

Valley of Fire

 Once upon a time Dwight and I  visited the Valley of Fire. I believe it was in September and fall had started in Arkansas.  That visit temperatures were over 100 degrees before 8am. Hiking was difficult and we kept our visit short but I vowed to visit again and see the wave. I did.

Vegas

 I don't think there's a city in the world like Las Vegas. It's big, diverse, and full of lights and surprises.  To get there, I  took a plane, tram, bus, and taxi. While there, I can't tell you how many Ubers were taken. I can't tell you how many tears were cried or how badly I needed this trip. I needed to get away. I needed to feel the love of my sisters and my favorite aunt. They gave me permission to cry, rant, and cut loose. I was reminded that this grief thing is all to new and real and it's ok to feel the way I do.  We caught up on family gossip. Made plans for the future and mourned the passing of my mom's sister Robyn. We partied on Freemont street. Ventured to the Valley of fire. Watched a Michael Jackson show. Caught another show at the sphere. Watched the fountains at the Bellagio and visited their Botanical gardens. Walked the strip and took a spin on the ferris wheel. We played t shirt roulette and dressed up for Halloween.  Every night we gathered around a table and shared stories, concerns, and maybe a drink or two. Lots of hugs given and more memories made. All to honor Mom's 10th heavenly birthday.  I know she watched over us. Always our angel.

A bumper sticker

 I saw a bumper sticker that said if you're not living,  you're dying.  Strangely true. I'm not sure if this counts as really living, but if you're learning you're actively participating in life. This week I learned how to put a hay spike on the tractor. Then I loaded hay and took some to the horses. The fence, the trees, and horses are still standing.  Then I synced my cell phone to Dwight's truck even made a few calls to ensure it worked. Then I changed the time on his console to the correct time. Woo hoo. I may actually get somewhere on time. Let's hope I can remember how to do that when daylight savings ends this Sunday.

The firsts

 I knew it would come. The first Birthday without him. The first Anniversary.  The first birth of a grandchild. The Anniversary of the day we found out that he had stage four cancer.

Man, I  miss him so much. I hope I can be the woman he wanted me to be.

The Rabbit Hole

 I lost my phone (eventually found it) and I got Dwight's phone out and charged it up. I went through his pictures.  Lots of great photos.  Then, I started watching his videos. I watched and watched for hours. It felt so good to hear his voice. Really good. I even enjoyed his videos on fishing. The ones with Parker were too funny. There's one taken of David at four am. You can hear the laughter in his voice.  I  need to find a way to save them.