Once upon a time Dwight and I visited the Valley of Fire. I believe it was in September and fall had started in Arkansas. That visit temperatures were over 100 degrees before 8am. Hiking was difficult and we kept our visit short but I vowed to visit again and see the wave. I did.
I don't think there's a city in the world like Las Vegas. It's big, diverse, and full of lights and surprises. To get there, I took a plane, tram, bus, and taxi. While there, I can't tell you how many Ubers were taken. I can't tell you how many tears were cried or how badly I needed this trip. I needed to get away. I needed to feel the love of my sisters and my favorite aunt. They gave me permission to cry, rant, and cut loose. I was reminded that this grief thing is all to new and real and it's ok to feel the way I do. We caught up on family gossip. Made plans for the future and mourned the passing of my mom's sister Robyn. We partied on Freemont street. Ventured to the Valley of fire. Watched a Michael Jackson show. Caught another show at the sphere. Watched the fountains at the Bellagio and visited their Botanical gardens. Walked the strip and took a spin on the ferris wheel. We played t shirt roulette and dressed up for Halloween. Every night we gathered around a table and shared stories, concerns, and maybe a drink or two. Lots of hugs given and more memories made. All to honor Mom's 10th heavenly birthday. I know she watched over us. Always our angel.
I saw a bumper sticker that said if you're not living, you're dying. Strangely true. I'm not sure if this counts as really living, but if you're learning you're actively participating in life. This week I learned how to put a hay spike on the tractor. Then I loaded hay and took some to the horses. The fence, the trees, and horses are still standing. Then I synced my cell phone to Dwight's truck even made a few calls to ensure it worked. Then I changed the time on his console to the correct time. Woo hoo. I may actually get somewhere on time. Let's hope I can remember how to do that when daylight savings ends this Sunday.
I knew it would come. The first Birthday without him. The first Anniversary. The first birth of a grandchild. The Anniversary of the day we found out that he had stage four cancer.
Man, I miss him so much. I hope I can be the woman he wanted me to be.
I lost my phone (eventually found it) and I got Dwight's phone out and charged it up. I went through his pictures. Lots of great photos. Then, I started watching his videos. I watched and watched for hours. It felt so good to hear his voice. Really good. I even enjoyed his videos on fishing. The ones with Parker were too funny. There's one taken of David at four am. You can hear the laughter in his voice. I need to find a way to save them.
Just when I think I have a handle on things, shit happens. I was getting ready for the birth of my grand daughter and I got sick. Sick enough to go to the hospital and to fall behind on her quilt. Made it down to see her, but missed her actual birth and I still haven't finished the quilt. Then I made it home and my health insurance called and wanted to speak with my husband. I explained he was unavailable. She then told me that she could not talk to me and needed to speak directly with him. I lost it and asked her are you fucking kidding me? She said no did she have the correct phone number. I told her yes but she needed to update her damn records because Dwight passed in June and wouldn't be taking any calls. I probably would have handled this better if I hadn't already told them that. I give it two weeks before she calls again.
