When I dream

 When I dream, sometimes I go in the past and relive adventures with my husband Dwight. We might be hiking in New Mexico, playing in the Oregon coast, visiting Amish stores, or riding the Harley. We put a lot of living into our 17 years together and I'm grateful for every adventure.  Last night we were at Hawk Creek Falls with four dacshunds.  If Dwight were here, I probably wouldn't have gotten Honey so in my dream there were just four of them. We had taken three so what was one more? Dwight caught fish for dinner. The dogs jumped off the ledge at the Falls so I could get some amazing pictures.  There was fog in the camp ground that lifted by mid morning and the water felt great.  The best part of the dream? Hearing Dwight laugh. I miss so many things about him, but I think I miss his laugh most of all. After his diagnosis, I didn't hear it as often but the fact that I heard it at all speaks volumes.  Even in pain and staring death in the face, he found the strength and wisdom to laugh at some things. I graduated magna cum laude, but he taught me so much and made me a better person.  I think that's what true love is...learning to be better and laughing about it.

Mama didn't tell me

 Mama didn't tell me there would be days like this. Days I wake up completely exhausted because I was too tired to sleep. We talked a little bit about grief, but not enough and I really wished I had paid more attention.  Some days the tears just come for no reason and I try to work through them. I mowed grass, worked in the garden, cooked dinner, and quilted for several hours yesterday and if I went to sleep my pillow was wet. I feel so guilty for crying.  I have an amazing family that loves me very much. My health is pretty good. I have a great life, but there's just a part of me that's missing.  I know how incredibly blessed I am, but I remember how incredibly blessed I was too.

Coffee cup Alaska

 When my husband and I traveled, I would often pick up a coffee cup as a souvenir.  He'd usually pick out a magnet. Now that he's gone, I'm left with those magnets and coffee cups. I've counted around forty cups but I'm sure that isn't accurate because I  might find one or two in my bedroom and maybe one in the car. Possibly one by latest sewing project.  You get the idea. Today I'm drinking from the coffee cup that came from the North Pole in Alaska. It says don't moose with me before my coffee.  We found it at Santa's workshop where I had my picture made with Santa. We found the story book the Night before Christmas and the salesperson told us that Santa would sign them so back we went to see Santa and Mrs. Claus for our autographs and another picture this time with Dwight in it. I don't know how long I was in that store, but Dwight never told me to hurry up or that it was time to leave. It seemed to be the theme of that vacation: Take your time. He had wanted to go to Alaska for a very long time. We spent two weeks there and had a wonderful time. So many incredible memories and I get to relive them on my front porch with my coffee cup. 

When I was a kid

 Long ago when I was a kid, there was a group of girls that would visit their grandparents every summer and come play with us. Each year I looked forward to their visits but secretly harbored my jealousy.  I wished I had grandparents that I could visit for a whole week or five days or even three days. It just wasn't in the cards for me. I had numerous grandparents but I guess keeping a child in the summer just wasn't their cup of tea or maybe they just physically could not handle it and I was too young to know. This week I have my grandsons David and Parker with a visit by my great grandson Nolan thrown in the mix. I am so tired it hurt to take my dirty clothes off tonight but they were covered in bubbles, powdered sugar, ice cream, sweat and possibly a little pee. I'm exhausted every night and it's a good sleep. David has to have a good night kiss and a Grammy hug before bed. Parker wants me to sleep beside him. Nolan is usually the first to go out almost falling asleep sitting up. They all enjoy riding in the buggy and in the echoes of their laughter I could hear Dwight's laughter.  Oh, this legacy of love he's left behind! I made a double batch of chocolate gravy for breakfast so the boys and I took some to Dwight's dad for breakfast.  The boys ran to give him a hug. I don't know if they'll remember this week, but I'm hoping that they remember the love and laughter.