Just words

  I cleaned up a lot of paperwork this weekend.  There were stacks of paper. Every card and every note I had written to my husband-he kept, but he never bought cards. He'd tell me that he loved me and Hallmark wouldn't help him say it any better. I was thinking about that and I found this piece of paper with these words on it:

You can say sorry a million times, say I love you as much as you want, say whatever you want, whenever you want. But, if you're not going to prove that the things you say are true,  then don't say anything at all because if you can't show it, your words don't mean a thing.

He showed it in so many ways. 

My visitor

 I don't know what came over me Sunday. I do know that every time I turned around the tears would start. I didn't see cardinals but I saw two eagles. An old wives tale is that if you see cardinals someone from heaven is visiting you. I didn't get a whole lot done and turned in early. Then I saw him. I saw Dwight's figure next to me. I felt him grab my hands. I remembered laying my head on his chest and him telling me that it's all gonna be alright.  One of the dogs barked and he laughed. It felt so good to hear that laugh. I slept hard and peacefully.  I know it was some form of dream, but I could smell his shampoo and feel his warmth.  I woke up feeling like I had just been hugged. Not a bad start to a Monday.

Just Beachy

 

I look at this little plant a lot. Mostly,  I  think about the sea shells around it. Where they came from. The sound of the ocean. The smell of the salty air. The feeling as a breeze or wave hits you. Memories made in the sand watching the sunset or sunrise. Everything beachy. I hear it calling me.

You're so lucky

 I've let my employer know that I'm retiring.  I'm shocked at the number of people that tell me I'm so lucky even after I tell them that my husband made this possible. I'd work another twenty years if it meant I had him to come home to. It's been almost 7 months and I cry going home. Every damn day.  It's time to make a change and not working a steady job will be a big one, but I'm ready. I will work. I've got an old house that needs repairs. I have two grandsons that haven't seen the ocean yet. I need to get myself back and that might be the toughest job of all. Lucky my ass.

The Jam

 Today I opened some raspberry jam from the year 2020. It tasted amazing.  I had some for breakfast and again at dinner. The smell of sweet raspberries.  I remember gathering those berries with Chris and all the effort that went into removing the seeds so that Dwight could eat it. The heat, the bugs, and the bears that were present too. I look at the jam and jelly and they could all tell a story.

That smile

 I got to spend some one on one time with Princess Pruitt. Her smile lights up the room and she's learning to use her voice. 

Here I come

 I've made the decision to live. Really live. Outside the box and what society deems the norm. My wonderful husband didn't get to live out his retirement so I'm doing it for him. My employer is now aware of my intention to retire in a mere 84 days. I wouldn't be able to do it without Dwight's help. I have mixed emotions about that. I'm very excited to retire but I'd give anything to have one more day with him. I know I will some day. Meanwhile I'll be here taking care of the garden and his dad. I'll take Parker and David fishing. Xander will see the ocean. Pruitt and JD will experience chocolate gravy and baths in the sink at Granny's house. The blackberry patch needs attention as does the railing on the porch.  The house could use a paint job. I'm going to Colorado,  Texas, Florida, and New Mexico.  Who knows what other trips may pop up? I'll grow a garden. Learn something new. Make a few more quilts. Teach the girls to make jam. I'll float the entire Buffalo while I still can, but I won't be sitting at a desk.... I'll work so hard that sleep will come easy. I'll be too busy to dream about what could have been, but I'll make time to remember the good times. I can do this. 

2024 review

 2024 was a dumpster fire of a year but there were good things that happened too. One of my Facebook memories posted a review of 2021 so I thought I'd do one for 2024 just for me.

January  2024. Dwight started chemo and it was delayed due to an infection. 

February saw Parker turning two. More chemo and lots of prayer.

March saw Lauren turn 32. The one year anniversary of Chris' death. Dwight was finally awarded disability. 

April saw David turning two. Dwight felt well enough to go to his party. Someone snapped the last picture of us together. Dwight watched the solar eclipse with his dad.

May 19th I saw the Northern lights in Arkansas. I bought a new car. Dwight bought a side by side. 

June 27th Dwight went to join Chris, his momma, and mine. I  missed my sister's bitchin hitchin.

July I merely survived. 

August brought grandson JD. Three reserve grand champion ribbons.

September was an anniversary without Dwight.

October brought granddaughter Pruitt.

November allowed me to experience Las Vegas with my sisters and favorite Aunt. Saw Trumpeter Swans with Kelly.

December brought Honey into my world.