A bumper sticker

 I saw a bumper sticker that said if you're not living,  you're dying.  Strangely true. I'm not sure if this counts as really living, but if you're learning you're actively participating in life. This week I learned how to put a hay spike on the tractor. Then I loaded hay and took some to the horses. The fence, the trees, and horses are still standing.  Then I synced my cell phone to Dwight's truck even made a few calls to ensure it worked. Then I changed the time on his console to the correct time. Woo hoo. I may actually get somewhere on time. Let's hope I can remember how to do that when daylight savings ends this Sunday.

The firsts

 I knew it would come. The first Birthday without him. The first Anniversary.  The first birth of a grandchild. The Anniversary of the day we found out that he had stage four cancer.

Man, I  miss him so much. I hope I can be the woman he wanted me to be.

The Rabbit Hole

 I lost my phone (eventually found it) and I got Dwight's phone out and charged it up. I went through his pictures.  Lots of great photos.  Then, I started watching his videos. I watched and watched for hours. It felt so good to hear his voice. Really good. I even enjoyed his videos on fishing. The ones with Parker were too funny. There's one taken of David at four am. You can hear the laughter in his voice.  I  need to find a way to save them. 

One step foward two back

 Just when I think I have a handle on things, shit happens.  I was getting ready for the birth of my grand daughter and I got sick. Sick enough to go to the hospital and to fall behind on her quilt. Made it down to see her, but missed her actual birth and I still haven't finished the quilt. Then I made it home and my health insurance called and wanted to speak with my husband.  I explained he was unavailable.  She then told me that she could not talk to me and needed to speak directly with him. I lost it and asked her are you fucking kidding me? She said no did she have the correct phone number. I told her yes but she needed to update her damn records because Dwight passed in June and wouldn't be taking any calls. I probably would have handled this better if I hadn't already told them that. I give it two weeks before she calls again.  

Pruitt Jayne

 

Every one thinks Pruitt Jayne has arrived early, but I've been waiting to meet her for over 20 years. When she opens her eyes and looks into mine she seems to say that she knows me. She knows I love her. I love all of my grandchildren with a love that defies all logic. Sure I loved my kids. I still do, but grandchildren are on another level and this lovely is already a huge part of my heart. Welcome liitle one. Tho she be tiny she is fierce.

I didn't ask

 I didn't ask what anyone wanted on the tombstone.  I just didn't.  Dwight and I  agreed that we wanted our children's names listed and that we didn't want grandkids' names listed because we could potentially leave someone off and neither of us was ok with that idea. He liked the black marble but couldn't justify the cost. I merely did not give a shit about the cost. He wanted it. I loved it. I do not want to hear if you disapprove.  I tried and tried to think of some religious verse that could embody our love and failed miserably, so I used a saying that we often said to each other. I wish I could have met you sooner so I could have loved you longer . It still fits. The picture is just us hanging out on Sam's Throne. To be completely honest, my mom took that picture and we had lots of good times there. I couldn't chose a vacation picture.  There was just too many great ones to chose from. The same with Christmas and holiday pictures.  Too many damn good memories.  So I chose what my heart wanted and if you knew Dwight you know anything I wanted...he wanted for me.