She called me brave

 Talking with one of the strongest, most fierce momma bears on the planet and she called me brave. This woman is tough as nails and she thinks I'm strong. I'm not. I think about all my dreams that have been dashed and I cry. I cry for what could have been and for all my plans that won't ever come to be. I'm afraid of not finding myself again. Afraid of not ever being really happy. I don't know what my purpose is. I'm afraid of waking up every day and feeling like someone kicked me in the gut for the rest of my life, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing my husband. We talked about his dying and how I would do anything to stop it, but we didn't discuss my living. I know he wanted me to take care of his boys...meaning our grandsons, but they have parents for that. I know I had a life before Dwight came along, but he really taught me how to let go and live, laugh, and love. Life became living. I know I'm living. I get up. Feed the critters. Do the chores. Go to work. It's a life, but it's not really living.  I'll find it one way or die trying and maybe she's a little bit right because I ain't scared of trying. 

63

 Today the love of my life would have been sixty three. I realize that some people might say that's really old, but it's not. He didn't live long enough. He didn't live long enough to live out all his dreams. He wanted to teach his boys to hunt and fish. He wanted to hike Crater Lake. He talked about going to Paris and Scotland and he was just crazy enough to do it. I miss him so much. I miss his laughter and corny jokes. I miss the way he would try to be stern with me and totally cave when I really wanted something. I miss the way he would surprise me with the most unusual things... a horse, a trip, a train ride, a flower...I just never knew what to expect, but I got him too. I surprised him with a gun he wanted. Biscuits and gravy at three am. Fishing trips.. sometimes all night long. I miss the way we just fell into place. He was the peanut butter to my jelly. So much laughter so many damn good memories. I know this is all part of grief. I've heard with deep love comes great grief but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the last words I heard him say...."Take care of Kate". That's what I'm going to do. I owe it to him and his memory. 

Missing

 I spent the last two weekends with grandsons. The first with Parker and last weekend with David and JD. They make me laugh and I know they would have made Dwight laugh too. They way Parker says Buffalo River. The way David loves his eggs and all things tractor related. Little JD just loves to be held and rocked. It's strange how you can hold him to the sun and catch blond in his hair. There's no genetic reason for this. Beth's hair is a deep brown, auburn and Jody's is dark brown. I like to think Dwight touched him in some way. I miss him. I miss watching him with his boys.