I can't/don't want to/ will

 Sometimes I feel like I just can't.  I can't take care of everything the way it needs to be taken care of. I never learned to use a tractor.  We've always joked about my inability to start a fire. Draco scares the crap out of me (bearded dragons aren't cuddly or cute). I can lift a feed sack, but don't ask me to walk with it. I never thought I could deal with vomit on an almost daily basis, but I can. I don't want to but I can. I can even go a little further and disinfect so there's no lingering germs. I hate the smell of banana pudding but if that's what he wants, I'll make it. I may have to go outside while he eats it, but you do what you have to do. This morning, there was a problem with his ostomy bag. I  cleaned him up in record time. He had to ask me to put his socks on and I felt like such a bitch. I know it hurts for him to bend over. I hate that he had to ask. I should have remembered. I made it  to work on time and just celebrating that fact made me angry. Work can wait. Everything can wait. Being there when someone needs you that's worth celebrating.

Chemo #3

 Chemo #3 was delayed due to white blood cell count being off. That might have been a good thing. It gave him extra time to recover and gain some strength.  Gained a whole two pounds too. Some days, I had my Dwight back. The one that laughed and joked with me. He could tell that I had washed my car because my Crack was clean. Guess you had to be there. It was so good to hear that old belly laugh. It's good too to see him making plans for the future.  His future. Things he wants to do and see happen. They say we're in a false spring now. I hope not. He needs to feel the sun and experience the sunshine. 

Love

 There was a time when I thought I knew what love was, but as you get older you learn a little bit more and become just a little bit wiser. I still believe love is knowing just how your partner likes their coffee and the best time to give that cup. I know it's giving a much needed hug without any words being said. It's making some else's dreams come true and giving them a reason to smile. But it's so much more....

It's staring death in the face and being strong for those that need you. It's fighting for a little more time to let them accept your leaving. It's not giving up when you're in so much pain. It's putting on a brave face when you're afraid and don't have the answers.  

Chemo week 2

 I wish I could say this round has been easier, but it's not. We're learning to adjust. Dwight knows just a little bit ahead of time that he will be sick. I'm more concentrated on keeping up with antinausea meds. He's been able to keep a little more down and I pray that he hasn't lost more weight. I have to go and buy him smaller sweat pants today. I think I'm getting a little more sleep but I'm not sure. I miss my husband that was so strong and capable of anything (other than spelling) but I  think I'm getting stronger. Not by choice. I wish I knew what the future holds for us and rejoice in the fact that there is one. I know I'll always want one more day.  I admire those that have taken this journey before me...Karon, Jay, and Rhonda they are truly an inspiration and their kindness has meant so much.