Chemo week1

 Well we're officially over week one of chemo. I mean really over it. The first four days were almost good. Dwight slept almost around the clock, but he could eat small quantities and keep the food down. Good times. About day five, the nausea started and it hasn't stopped.  I've never seen someone that can't even keep water down. His poor throat is so sore, he speaks in a whisper. I've taken a firmer stance on the anti nausea meds and I'm trying to keep him medicated around the clock, but he's a stubborn man. I know I should push nutritious food, but I'm pushing calories.  Quantity over quality.  He's admitted that he's too weak to drive and I'm proud of him for acknowledging that before having an accident.  It takes strength to acknowledge your weakness.  I marvel at how strong he is and wish I could be as strong as him. Not only do I get to wash his hair(yes it's still there) but now I get to shave him. This brings us closer and he laughs at how scared I am of cutting him. I think he jumps to see me jump more. So not funny. Then he tells me "Don't worry, you won't kill me". Again not funny, but I love him anyway. 

For better. For worse

 I remember saying the words for better, for worse and in sickness and in health.  I don't ever remember being so afraid and so utterly unprepared.  I wake up in the morning and immediately look for my husband.  Sometimes he's right beside me. Sometimes he's in his recliner or on the couch. Other times he's in one of the spare beds but I have found him on the front porch-you just never know. After I find him. I check his breathing and then his temperature.  If my hand on his forehead wakes him up, I ask if he needs anything.  Then I take care of his urinal and any signs of vomiting.  This would be the " in sickness " part and for a person that doesn't have the nursing gene so prevalent in our family, I'm doing pretty well.  I've flushed a drain. Cleaned a port. Changed a bag. Lots of cleaning.  Lots of sanitizing.  Then I start my coffee and feed the animals.  Then I can fix my husband breakfast if his stomach is cooperative.  Next I head to work and try to schedule my check up calls around naps. I can handle this. I know I can. I can't watch him in pain. I can't watch the light go out of his eyes. I can't make this terrible disease go away, but I can live to see him smile. The smiles are so few, but they happen. I can show him how much I  love him. I can make him proud of me til death do us part.