Just Once

 Just once this year I want to hear some really good news. I am so damn tired of trying to stay positive only to hear more bad news. It feels like someone is kicking your feet out from underneath you when you're struggling to stand anyway. I watch one of the strongest men I know struggle. He's learning to live with a bag. Trying to keep his strength up and his food down. I was hoping the doctor could tell us that it wasn't as bad as he thought, but that didn't happen. He couldn't tell us anything we wanted to hear.  I'm trying to keep Dwight's spirits up, but he's tired and weak. I can only hope and pray.

Leaves

 

Had a lot of fun playing in a pile of leaves. I almost didn't do it. I wasn't dressed.  Had no make up. It had been cold and cloudy that morning,  but the sun broke through. The temperature warmed up. It didn't really matter what I was wearing. It felt good to laugh, to smell the leaves, to feel the warmth of the sunshine, and hear others laughing too.

How are you?

 Such an innocent question and I wonder if I should answer honestly. Most of the time, I just reply that I'm taking it day by day and I am. I can't tell you what day it is unless I look at the appointments on the calendar or my daily pill pack but I'm going through the motions.  Do you see the dark circles under my eyes? My sleep comes sparingly.  I watch mu husband breathe and if I wake up I have to watch the rise and fall of his chest before I can sleep again. His breathing is the first thing I look for in the morning then I hit the coffee and hope for the best. I try to find things for him to do so he feels needed. Things that won't zap his strength but need to be done. I try to keep our conversation light and positive, but under the cover of darkness we talk about things that I don't want to even think about. I tell myself that trying to prepare isn't giving up, but it feels like it is. How am I? I'm hanging on and praying for a miracle.