I don't know how

 I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to act when my world has been turned upside down. I don't know what to say. Most times I'm doing good to respond in a coherent manner. I'm taking it one day at a time and I wonder if that's good enough.  How am I supposed to be positive when I want to scream or break down and let it all out. I've got to be quiet about it because Dwight doesn't need another thing on his mind. He's being so strong and I envy his strength as I pray for more strength.  More everything.  More time. More patience.  More grace. More knowledge.   I don't even know what I need anymore. 

Cancer day two

 How do you live knowing that nothing is for certain? You can try your best. Do everything right  but the result is something you have no control over. I wonder what it's like not to have hope. I wouldn't know. I have so much of it. Faith? I continually ask people to pray. I believe more is better. Being on my knees helps me see clearer, but I still don't know the right way, the best choices.  I do know that I am loved. 

A new day

 Today's a new day. We start a life with stage four cancer knowing that it is fatal and not knowing how much time is left. No longer putting off things for someday. No longer leaving things left unsaid. Not taking one damn thing for granted and fighting like  the devil to see more sunsets and sunrises together. We're strong and we have so many people supporting us and we'll need them. This is hard and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  Someday we laugh telling people how Dwight inserted his own gi tube.

Snoring

 I don't know how many times I've watched my husband snore way into the night. To be honest, sometimes my thoughts were anything but pleasant.  Tonight we got the news that his cancer is back and it's spread. I'm staring into the night again and I wonder how long I will be privileged enough to watch him sleep. That once annoying sound has become the sweetest sound on earth. 

Cancer is a bitch

 Cancer is a bitch. The most hateful,  inconsiderate bitch.  I hate it. I hate what it does. I hate who it affects. 

So sweet

 It might have been the donuts talking, but David was walking towards his Aunt Lauren and she asked him if he wanted her to pick him up and he said "No, Granny". I think I was high the rest of the weekend and it wasn't a sugar rush. It sure was sweet though.