Good bye 2023

 2023 the year Parker and David turned one. The year of the Virgin Island vacation. The year of loofah sponges and fishing trips. The year we lost our son Chris and found out Dwight has terminal cancer. 2024 will be a different year.

Where are you Christmas

 For many, many years my favorite Christmas song has been Mary, did you know? I will always love that song but this year " Where are you Christmas " has been my song. Here are the lyrics:

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter you used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing.I'm rearranging.  Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas? Do you remember the one you used to know? I'm not the same one, see what time's done? Is that why you have let me go?

Christmas is here. Everywhere, oh. Christmas is here. If you care, oh.

If there is love in your heart and your mind, you will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas,  I know I've found you. You never fade away. The joy of Christmas stays here inside us. Fills each and every heart with love

Incurable

 Incurable cancer. The doctor said the words out loud and made sure that we knew what that meant. That makes it real. Every thing has changed and I hope our experience can teach others. Little arguments are things of the past. We don't have time for such pettiness and it won't matter in the long run. I wake up each day trying to think of something to make my husband smile or feel better. This is probably something I should have been doing all along. Messes? Who gives a duck? As long as things are sanitary. It'll be ok. Each day is a gift. Things don't have to be perfect to be special. I can laugh at the sound his bag makes and make him laugh with me. Laughter is a sound that is better than gold. More precious in my world. He hates depending on me, but maybe I should tell him how much I love, love washing his hair. I wish I had washed his hair long ago. I appreciate everything thing he does and I try to tell him thanks. This too should have happened a long time ago.  I don't feel like we've wasted time, but I think we're just going to focus on what's important.

Day Christmas 2023

 Another Christmas Party with Dwight's family. So glad we went and that there were smiles to be had.

And the reason behind the party.

Crying

 I look at the calendar and it says it's December 3rd. I think back and I'm trying to remember the last day that I haven't cried. I cry because I'm scared of the unknown. I cry to see someone I love hurting so much. It's a wonder I still have tears left. I wonder how many tears the human body is capable of producing. I cry myself to sleep wondering if I'll see the rise and fall of his chest when I wake up. Then I cry tears of relief. I make no apologies.  I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes your body needs to cry and I certainly recommend crying over kicking a door. Doors hurt. Sometimes I cry because people are so kind, so caring, and thoughtful.  These tears won't stop no matter how hard I command them to cease. But having so many people lifting you up when life is being so unfair is a good reason to cry. 

Just Once

 Just once this year I want to hear some really good news. I am so damn tired of trying to stay positive only to hear more bad news. It feels like someone is kicking your feet out from underneath you when you're struggling to stand anyway. I watch one of the strongest men I know struggle. He's learning to live with a bag. Trying to keep his strength up and his food down. I was hoping the doctor could tell us that it wasn't as bad as he thought, but that didn't happen. He couldn't tell us anything we wanted to hear.  I'm trying to keep Dwight's spirits up, but he's tired and weak. I can only hope and pray.

Leaves

 

Had a lot of fun playing in a pile of leaves. I almost didn't do it. I wasn't dressed.  Had no make up. It had been cold and cloudy that morning,  but the sun broke through. The temperature warmed up. It didn't really matter what I was wearing. It felt good to laugh, to smell the leaves, to feel the warmth of the sunshine, and hear others laughing too.

How are you?

 Such an innocent question and I wonder if I should answer honestly. Most of the time, I just reply that I'm taking it day by day and I am. I can't tell you what day it is unless I look at the appointments on the calendar or my daily pill pack but I'm going through the motions.  Do you see the dark circles under my eyes? My sleep comes sparingly.  I watch mu husband breathe and if I wake up I have to watch the rise and fall of his chest before I can sleep again. His breathing is the first thing I look for in the morning then I hit the coffee and hope for the best. I try to find things for him to do so he feels needed. Things that won't zap his strength but need to be done. I try to keep our conversation light and positive, but under the cover of darkness we talk about things that I don't want to even think about. I tell myself that trying to prepare isn't giving up, but it feels like it is. How am I? I'm hanging on and praying for a miracle. 

I don't know how

 I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to act when my world has been turned upside down. I don't know what to say. Most times I'm doing good to respond in a coherent manner. I'm taking it one day at a time and I wonder if that's good enough.  How am I supposed to be positive when I want to scream or break down and let it all out. I've got to be quiet about it because Dwight doesn't need another thing on his mind. He's being so strong and I envy his strength as I pray for more strength.  More everything.  More time. More patience.  More grace. More knowledge.   I don't even know what I need anymore. 

Cancer day two

 How do you live knowing that nothing is for certain? You can try your best. Do everything right  but the result is something you have no control over. I wonder what it's like not to have hope. I wouldn't know. I have so much of it. Faith? I continually ask people to pray. I believe more is better. Being on my knees helps me see clearer, but I still don't know the right way, the best choices.  I do know that I am loved. 

A new day

 Today's a new day. We start a life with stage four cancer knowing that it is fatal and not knowing how much time is left. No longer putting off things for someday. No longer leaving things left unsaid. Not taking one damn thing for granted and fighting like  the devil to see more sunsets and sunrises together. We're strong and we have so many people supporting us and we'll need them. This is hard and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  Someday we laugh telling people how Dwight inserted his own gi tube.

Snoring

 I don't know how many times I've watched my husband snore way into the night. To be honest, sometimes my thoughts were anything but pleasant.  Tonight we got the news that his cancer is back and it's spread. I'm staring into the night again and I wonder how long I will be privileged enough to watch him sleep. That once annoying sound has become the sweetest sound on earth. 

Cancer is a bitch

 Cancer is a bitch. The most hateful,  inconsiderate bitch.  I hate it. I hate what it does. I hate who it affects. 

So sweet

 It might have been the donuts talking, but David was walking towards his Aunt Lauren and she asked him if he wanted her to pick him up and he said "No, Granny". I think I was high the rest of the weekend and it wasn't a sugar rush. It sure was sweet though.

Flowers

 You know, sometimes I'm not a people person, but I'll never not be a flower person. 

The Good Dishes

 This weekend I bought another set of dishes. They're really old and some parts of the set are collector's items. I love the set, but more importantly I really loved the lady that owned them before me. Dwight's aunt who loved me and treated me as part of the family as soon as she met me. The dishes are the Shawnee corn set with some pieces labeled as McCoy. I scrubbed a lot of dust off them and they're put in safe places, but they'll come out as soon as possible.  I want to make my own memories with them. If one should happen to get busted, I  hope I can smile about it. I mean I won't be overjoyed, but at least the dish will die in use with loved ones around. Maybe there will be a great story to go with it.  I  hope that these dishes remind people of the love at our table.

A liitle piece of heaven

 I've got a little piece of heaven right outside my bedroom.  It's called the front porch.  I go there to think, to plan, to decompress, watch hummingbirds and butterflies, pet dogs,and watch the sun come up and go down.

Loofah 101

 So it starts like this

And then it grows to look like this

Then you let them dry. I put some in the sun to speed up the process:

Then you shake the dried loofah to knock the seeds loose. It'll sound like a rain stick. Then you cut one end off and pour out the seeds. Then you peel your loofah and you have a natural sponge. 

Fair 2023

 

All of my plants received a second place ribbon. The vine, the mother in law tongue, and the purple and white African violet,  but the gord took reserve grand champion. Entered Muscadine, strawberry jelly for first place ribbons. Candy apple jelly and pickled peppers took second place. Every single photo took a first place ribbon so I was really happy.

Grandparent Life

 No matter how much time I spend with my grandsons,  I  will always want more time.It's not easy, in my old age I've become accustomed to going to bed when I'm tired and waking up when I want. None of this two am visiting.  But I'll give up my eight hours of sleep to watch the hummingbirds or feed the neigh neighs (horses). There's nothing like a child reaching for you and finding comfort in your arms. Even more so if you didn't give birth to this child. I wish I could put in to words what my heart feels when I hear the word Granny or the feeling of getting a kiss or hug. If I could bottle it. I could pay for their colleges or race cars.

The idiot Prayer

 I wish I had a dollar for every time I asked the Lord that the Idiot would be ok. It started a long long time ago. There was a bicycle accident with lots of blood and a missing toe. Then there was a gang of older kids that wanted to beat him senseless but they wouldn't hit a girl to get to him. Then there was the time he got caught in a drained pond. We got him out, but I remember him losing his pants and shoes in the mud. Then there was a time he climbed to the very tippy top of a tree and wouldn't come down. He wanted mom to come and get him, but she just said he'd come down when he was hungry and he did. Then he got beat up with a metal pipe and hit by a car while jogging. Let's not forget collapsing in an iron man competition or the emergency appendectomy.   I've said the prayer often and I'll keep repeating it. Lord, please let that idiot be ok. I love my brother. 

Fear and what you do with it

 Like my mom and sisters, I am afraid of heights. I've tried to get over it. I've been to Pikes Peak on a motorcycle,  in a small car, and an rv. I've traveled the highest road in the US. I've hiked to Hawksbill Craig and went to the ledge for pictures. I've jumped at Falling Water Falls. I've ventured out onto the skywalk at the Grand Canyon (to be fair I sat down and scooted back to the building after I looked down). The point is I did these things even though I was afraid and nothing bad happened. My heart probably beat a little faster. So I'm back on the band wagon trying to conquer these fears and I'm going to learn to cut glass. I've had the glass cutter for two years. It's about time to dust it off. Now I'm not going to get carried away. There's no way in hell I will go pick raspberries by myself.  The bears like them as much as I do.

One day

 

One day soon he won't fit in my lap. He won't take naps or laugh hysterically at my tickles.  He's growing so fast. Saying new words and learning all sorts of new things. Things like cabinet doors pinch. Dogs don't like cantaloupe and it feels weird under your feet, but it doesn't taste bad. Things really important like Papa Ralph never runs out of cookies and Poppy can wake up really, really early. Things like Granny is much nicer after her coffee and will brush my teeth every night no matter how loud the squalling gets. One day I hope he understands how much he's loved.

Blurbs

 I'm sitting down and it's kinda slow and I think to myself "I need to call Mom" and a couple of seconds later there's a stab to my heart and reality hits. She's been gone nine years and still my mind won't/can't process this fact. I could tell her anything.  Rant. Cry. Voice unpopular opinions. It didn't matter. She'd listen. Sometimes cry with me. Sometimes telling me what I needed to hear. It was nice always having someone. No matter what, no matter when, no matter where. Miss you Mom.

Memorial Day

 I know today was meant to honor those who died in service to our Country,  but if you live near the hills of Jasper, Arkansas things are a little different.  The Sunday before Memorial Day is Decoration Day which is a lot like it sounds. You decorate.  You decorate graves of loved ones. Every cemetery.  Some people come from hundreds of miles away. Every grave is decorated. We made it last year and visited with a lot of people.  This year was harder, but all the graves looked beautiful. 

Iris 2023

 From my yard this year;

beach, beach, beach

 As an island, St. Thomas has a lot of beaches (as does St. John's) but here's the ones that we visited:

Magen's Bay Beach(the very first day):

Sapphire beach( sunrise and snorkling):

Coki Beach(after Coral World)

Trunk Bay Beach(lots of fish and the island)

Maho Bay Beach(Sea turtles!!!!)

Neltjeberg Beach (down the dirt road):

Linquist Beach (snorkeling):

Down the hatch

 Just because vacation is over doesn't mean I'm ready to let it go. I set out to try the famous Painkiller and Bush wacker drinks that St. Thomas is famous for, but did you know that the banana daiquiri was invented there? Well now you do, and it was added to the list as well. Not gonna lie, the banana daiquiri kicked my butt. I liked the painkiller and loved the bush wacker. 

Vacation Day Six

 Bacon and eggs for breakfast and lots of packing.  Took final pictures at Wild Ginger. Then, we headed to the botanical gardens and the mountain top over look. Tried to visit Black Beard's Castle but Carnival traffic had roads closed.  Flew to Miami then Memphis. 

Vacation Day Five

 We separated again with part of us exploring a new beach. Then Banana Daquris 🍌 with a wonderful seafood dinner by another beach.

Vacation Day Four Thursday

 Today the group split up. Beth, Paul, Paige, Lauren and Gilmar went to a beach to check it out and then to snorkle at Sapphire Beach again. The rest of us stayed and played in the pool. Then a little shopping where I bought something sparkly.

Vacation Day Three

 We caught an early ferry to St. John's.  Ventured to Maho Beach where I saw four wild sea turtles 🐢 and a really large star fish. The sand and waves were perfect. Then we headed to Trunk Bay where we snorkled and saw amazing fish. We shopped at Mongoose Junction and headed back for pizza and beer at Wild Ginger, our home base.

Day Two Coral World

 

Day two Tuesday

 Woke up early to catch sunrise at Sapphire Beach. Then we snorkled there.

Then we visited Linquist Beach. Then we packed up and went to Coral World and Coki Beach. Had to fight iguanas to cross a bridge in Coral world.  Bought a basket made of seaweed.  Then Paul treated everyone to dinner at Hookd.