Choking on the words

 I answer the phone at least a hundred times a day. It's my job and the nature of the beast. There are a lot of well meaning people that end our conversations with the words Merry Christmas. I  say those words back to them.  I choke them out trying not to be rude, but I've never felt less Christmassy in all of my life. I couldn't bring myself to do cards. I wanted to but just couldn't make myself do it.  I'm choking on cheer and good will. I  know I will get through this and I pray it won't be like this every year. Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

Selfish

 

I've been so wrapped up in my grief I've forgotten to take Dwight's dad and his feelings into consideration.  I was dreading the Day Family  Christmas Party because it was the first time in 17 years that I have ever been without Dwight. Ralph had been with him 61 years. He's lost all of his siblings,  both parents, his wife, son and a grandson.  I don't know how he has the strength he has, but I do know he loves children and they made it a lot easier on him this year. 

The first Christmas

 Everyone told me the first Christmas after losing someone would be hard. I've been trying to brace myself,  but somehow I forgot to remind myself that Christmas isn't just one day. It's a whole season.  Lasting from the last bite of turkey until the New Year. I made it through the Polar Express and I don't think anyone noticed my misty eyes but I cried myself to sleep. Dwight would have loved seeing the look on David's face when he saw the train. He would have laughed at JD reaching for Santa's beard. He woul have loved chugging cocoa, eating cookies and laughing with Beth, Jody, and Rhonda. I find it ironic that there was one unused ticket. Parker sat on Santa's lap with no problem and wants to go see his friend Santa every day. I really think Dwight would have taken him everyday as his favorite Santa is at Bass Pro. We went and saw the holiday lights in Sherwood where Paul told Parker to look at the partridge in the tree. Look at the bird in the tree. Parker said Dada that's a turkey. So now there's a turkey associated with Christmas too. Maybe Dwight would have stopped me from buying so many dresses for Pruitt, but I seriously doubt it. I took his dad to a Christmas parade and he really enjoyed it. I'm  doing this. I'm getting through it but I wish he was here because I loved seeing him smile and laugh.This was a hard time for Dwight. He lost his mom early in life and like my mom-she truly loved Christmas. His grandpa died Christmas eve too so it took a long time for Christmas to be Merry and jolly for Dwight but he got there. Slowly he got there. I have every intention of getting there too, but he will always be with me in my heart.Always.

Swans and living

 I spent Thanksgiving evening with two old friends.  They were riding buddies for Dwight and I. They love and miss him so it was easy to talk to them about him. They both told me that Dwight wouldn't want me to stop living. I knew that, but it was nice to hear out loud. Then, I spent the next day doing just that. Living. I went to see the Swans in Heber Springs.  Kelly and I went Black Friday shopping.  I went a little crazy at the children's store. We ate Chinese. I tried steamed bread(yummy), kimchi(not so yummy), and a spicy sushi.  I left their house to make it home before dark. Got home and cuddled with the dogs under a new Christmas blanket and binged watch Bridgerton. 

Making memories

 Boy, this weekend was a good one. Made lots of good memories and will post more on them later, but one really has me reeling. After everyone had left, Beth and I were visiting and David is playing with farm animals.  There's a turkey with those animals. Beth would tell him the turkey says gobble gobble and David would reply with another turkey sound. I asked her if she made that sound and she said no. I asked David to tell me what a turkey says and he made the sound again. It sounds just like a turkey call. The wooden one that uses chaulk. He was making the sound that his Poppy taught him and it was spot on. I can't quite make that sound with my mouth, but David sat in Poppy's lap and watched him make the sound. I looked at Beth and told her that he was too young to remember it, but there he was imitating Poppy's turkey call perfectly.  I can't make that sound and Beth was still trying to get him to say gobble, gobble.  I hope he does remember,  but more importantly I hope he remembers the love.

Morning with David

 After kicking me all night, David woke up around six am, grabbed my hand, and told me we were going downstairs.  Unfortunately I was unable to find his tractor show and that put him in a testy mood. Then he wanted donuts. I told him no and that mommy and daddy did not want him to have donuts first thing in the morning.  He looked in the box of donuts, grabbed one, and calmly told me that it was a bagel with sprinkles.  Bagels for breakfast. Alright then.

What I Can't Do

 This past weekend,  I went to a wedding. Makeup and panty hose in a dress. Then some one wanted to talk about Dwight and I just couldn't.  I tried to end the conversation as quickly and politely as I could. I saved my makeup but wasn't as polite as I would have liked. I had thought about visiting Mom's grave as I was less than two miles from there, but I just couldn't do that either. I made it by Dwight's grave and did fresh flowers and we had a long talk. I think I needed it. I  know no one will believe me but there were turkey tracks on top of his marker. I know turkey tracks when I see them and they were definitely there. I know I can't speed through this think called grief. I know it will take some time. Possibly  a long time. I can't hurry it or pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes I get a little crazy and ask for a sign that it's all gonna be all right. That's what those turkey tracks were. Then I felt a warm feeling almost like a hug. I'm sure it was the sun...but I'm not really sure.