Bucket list checking it off

 I had always wanted to see Hemmed In Hollow Falls, but the hike down to the falls is one of the most dangerous in Arkansas.  I'm extremely uncoordinated so the hike would be iffy at best however there is a shorter hike from the Buffalo River. The trail starts just a mile past Jim's Bluff. It's reported to be a mile hike and relatively easy, but that was before the trail was damaged by recent flooding and storms. It's a hike with heights and narrow, muddy parts to it. If it wasn't for my son Paul, I wouldn't have made it. I also did a 360 in a kayak for the first time. Something I have never wanted to do, but I didn't panic. I went into the roll, tucked my legs, and managed to look like I knew what I was doing.

Passing the torch

 Bell Family Reunion 2025 aka Chickenfest is done. There were 49 people there. For the first time ever, my dad stayed in his seat and the younger people took over. It was a good thing to see. My nephew Benjamin Patrick Bell the Fifth did the sermon and my other nephew John Connor Epps led the singing.

The dress

 Tonight I saw my baby girl in her wedding dress. I think I'm still in shock. Where did my baby go? The beautiful young woman beaming in front of me bore little resemblance to the toddler that wanted to grow up to be a tiger. She's so happy and sure of herself and that does my heart good. Marriage can be scary or heart breaking but it can also be the most beautiful trip ever taken. I didn't cry in front of her. I think I've done enough of that but now that it's quiet and it's just me...let's just say my pillow is a little damp and leave it at that. She'll be a beautiful bride and I hope Nick knows how lucky he is.

Coming home

 Well I've returned from my wonderful beach adventures to catch up on chores and spending time with my grandkids. Early one morning,  I had to tell Parker to be quiet because people were sleeping. He ran back to me with eyes beaming and asked if his Poppy was sleeping.  I had to tell him no. Poppy was in heaven, but we still had to be good because he was watching us. We continued on our day and I was glad he remembered Poppy.  Fast forward another week and David is spending some time with me. Ralph was headed home and we said goodbye to Poppy Ralph. David is playing with his monster trucks and asks me when is Poppy White coming home. I think the wind was knocked out of me for a couple of seconds.  We had a little talk about heaven and I think things are ok but my heart hurts knowing that they miss him and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Turkey wings & things

 The first time I visited Dwight's grave after his marker was put up there were turkey tracks on top of the headstone. Later in the year, Beth told David that turkeys said gobble, gobble. David told her the sound that turkeys make and it's an exact replica of the sound that Dwight would make calling up a gobbler. I know in my heart that people can't remember the love and people around them at two years old so I  hope other people remind the boys how much their Poppy loved them. At Christmas time. Paul was taking his kids to see the lights in Sherwood.  Paul pointed out the partridge in the pear tree and Parker told him that bird was a turkey. I hear turkeys in the woods which is surprising since so many new houses are being built near by. On one particular hard day, I pulled over to pray for strength.  Strength to take care of his boys and strength to live the way he would want me too. When I looked up there was a gobbler and five hens in front of my car watching me. Some people see cardinals as a visitor from heaven. I'd like to think that turkeys are my cardinals.  My sisters found large shells on Sanibel Island that are called turkey wings. I looked for hours on the island and never found one. We left the island to go to Vero Beach for a wedding.  Dwight enjoyed visiting my aunt and uncle and would have loved the informal wedding of their daughter. The wedding was on a beach on the Atlantic side of Florida and when I walked the beach the morning of the wedding, I found the turkey wings. Several of them. I think they were sent to me and I put one in my pocket and took it to the wedding.  After two flights and a three hour drive through rain and fog to get home, there was a turkey waiting on me in the driveway.  

Lee to the rescue

 Somewhere in my past, I have read the story of a little girl at a beach throwing sand dollars back into the ocean. A man comes by and says you can't save all of them and the little girl replied that saving just one was important to that particular sand dollar. Unfortunately we didn't find any sand dollars on our last jaunt out to the Lighthouse Beach, but we did find star fish. They had washed ashore during high tide and were struggling.  Unknown to me, Lee was putting them back in the water. I was putting others back in. Along came a park ranger and announced that it was a bad day for shelling because of the high tide. Lee told him we were busy putting back the star fish. He smiled and told us "Thank you" and continued on his walk. No doubt later today there may be some dead star fish on that beach, but definitely not as many as there could have been.

I lost it

 Visiting Colorado and so many places that I saw with Dwight took me down memory lane. So many damn good memories.  At one point, we were at the pull off across from Hays Creek Falls and I watched Parker throw rocks into the water. He was standing in the exact same spot where his Poppy had fished eight years ago. Eight years ago. A lifetime away. Where cancer was something we read about and dreams for our future were real and possible.  I had to walk away. The pain was just too much. Sometimes I just hate living without him. I know this is a road that I have to travel and he'll be waiting to welcome me. I know I'm needed here. I know that I am loved and he was too, but this learning to live again is hard.